Just Another Bend In Journey of Life
Friday, June 02, 2006
Today's QuestionWell the BT and I were having a conversation last night about whatever. For some reason I decided to ask him if he wanted kids of his own someday to which he replied "yes". That is the first time I've gotten that out of him. So I as how many and he replies "2". WTF?! "Biological???" "At least one." Wasn't this one of the reasons that I DIDN'T want to date him in the first place? I'm pretty sure it was and I'm pretty sure I blogged about it because I was so torn about what to do. Even though I KNEW this was going to happen I went with it. I should have just listened to my gut. He's young. He doesn't know what the hell he wants is what I had told myself. He just told me not to worry about the kid thing but I kept telling him that I know that one day he's going to want a child of his own and I'm just not sure that I'm willing to do that. I like my life. I know it sounds selfish but I just really don't think that I want to start over again. My daughter is almost 6 years old. She can feed herself, dress herself, occupy herself etc... She is so independent. I look at my friends with small babies and what they go through and I just don't want that. I don't want to have to haul a ton of shit wherever I go. Not to mention that I live in freaking Siberia so the winters are just horrible, especially to have to bundle kids up.
Here's my way of thinking, hypothetically -- If I date someone for 3 years (only becuase that was how long my last relationship was that I thought was going to last forever), we decide to get married, get married a year later, and then try for a baby... That means when my daughter graduates high school I have one going into kindergarten. No way! I'm just not up for that. Not only that but it's hard enough being a single mother with 1 child, I cannot imagine being a single mother with 2 kids! I'm not saying that's going to happen but I just really, at this point in my life, don't want anymore. Too much time has gone by and I like my life and the freedom that I have. Selfish? Maybe. But this was one of the reasons I told him way back in Feb that I'd never get into a relationship with him-- because I knew that one day he'd want a child of his own. And I was right. I'd told him that even though he may not want one right this very minute, eventually he'll change his mind and will want a child and then we're in this relationship and then it's going to turn into a big ass pissing match down the road. All I can say is that I should've went with my gut in the first place. No matter how I feel about him today. I feel that it would have saved heartache down the road.
See, had everything worked out with my ex-boyfriend (not S's dad), the one that I thought was "the one" and was with on and off for 3 years, I'd have had 3 more kids without blinking an eye. But when we broke up, I realized that I am just getting too old and too comfortable with my life to start over again. I don't WANT to start over again. I like my life and the way that it is right now. Sure, I miss the days that S was a little tiny baby and would fall asleep on my chest. I miss looking at my little baby in pure amazement that I had made her, that I was capable of creating something so sweet and precious. I remember coming to the realization that I finally understood the true meaning of unconditional love. I had a new found respect for my mom. Everything in life just made sense. I love that little girl with every ounce of my being. I truely do. But if I have another child in a few years, there will be such an age difference that they won't even really know each other. They will probably never be close. Not only that. I don't want to get fat again. Because I'm so short, even 5-10 lbs is noticable on me. When I was preg w/ S, I gained 45 lbs. My waist was 60" around. I kid you not!!! I had toxemia/preclampsyia. I had to take that damn diabetes test 3 times, after the 3 hr I thought I was going to die. Luckily I didn't end up with that. I was on bed rest. It was not fun. I ended up having her 2 weeks early because my blood pressure was so high and I thought I was going to die. Literally. I was in pain. I wouldn't dialate so they broke my water after deciding I was not able to go home, tried inducing me around 1p... Keep in mind I went in at 8am. They kept re-doing blood tests, and finally around 11p when my platelet and kidney levels dropped they decided that I had to have a c-section otherwise I wasn't going to clot if they let me keep going. Gave me an epidural and that didn't work. I could still feel one side of my body. Take that out and gave me a spinal. What a freaking joy that was!!! So at 0516 my precious little girl was born. The Dr (whom I really loved) took her out of me and says "OH! You've had cryosurgery, no wonder why you wouldn't dialate!" No shit lady! I told you this 9 months ago!!! So, at least now, should I choose to have any more children, I know it'll be an automatic c-section instead of the bullshit I went through last time, which is nice. Honestly, I loved being pregnant after the morning sickness and before the time I had to wear a belly belt because my stomach was so huge and I was swollen every where. (Although I do have to admit-- I LOVED the boobs!!!) If I could have a baby and have it be a 3 year old and potty trained, I'd probably do it again. It's the in between stage I'm not crazy about. :)
So where do I go from here? Do I stay with him and hope that we can work this out later and hope that in the future one of us changes our minds? Or do I let go of him and walk away now and save both of us the heartache that will eventually happen down the road?
Geez, every time I think it's going to be a short and sweet post I end up writing a book. Sorry.
