Just Another Bend In Journey of Life
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Emotions SuckHave I told you that lately? They really do suck. From the highest high to the lowest low. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't like I am. Sometimes I wish that I could be more like folks I know that don't let their emotions get the best of them.
I've been emotional all day today for various reasons. One, I guess is that I'm not sure where the Boston thing is going. I feel very confident about it at times and then at other times I'm so scared. Scared because I know it's a good thing. Scared because I don't want my heart broken again. I hate heartbreak. Not that I know of anyone that really enjoys it... It just sucks. I hate the unknown. I hate the fact that he and the ex-girlfriend haven't been broken up very long. I mean, is he going to freak out one day and realize that he should have taken some time for himself before hooking up with me? It seems silly of me to think that since he's told me many times over the course of the past week or so that he wonders what it would've been like had we met sooner. I just don't know. What I do know is that I'm over analizing and I need to stop. I need to let fate work it's course and just let it be. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm very "selective" when it comes to who I date. I know what I'm looking for, what I'm interested in. It's not about looks, it's about who a person is on the inside and what they stand for. What their values in life are...
In other depressing news... I was sitting here watching the dumb ass Hallmark Sunday night movie. They get me every single time. It makes me think back to High School when my best friend Shannon and I would call each other on Sunday nights and not talk. We'd just sit on the phone and watch the show together. We'd talk during commercials and then always cry at the end. Never failed. Tonights movie, I only paid half attention to because I knew it'd be a tear jerker like always. It was about a mom that was sick and moved back to her hometown with her 11 year old son. Of course she eventually passes away and the son learns things about life etc. That sparked my memory back to Thursday night. My mom had a bit too much wine but for some reason someone said the date and she looked at me and told me that it'd been 27 years since the sperm donor died. This pisses me off. Not that she said it but the older I get the more pissed off I get about it. I'm a mom now. I do not understand how you leave your child. How can your life be that fucking bad that you put a gun to your fucking head in front of your house and fucking pull the trigger and leave your little, innocent baby girl behind? No good bye, not even a fuck you. Nothing. I have nothing. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my dad with all my heart. Oh, understand the man who gave me life is my SPERM DONOR, he was never and will never be my dad. EVER. He chose to leave me. He chose to not be there for me while I was growing up. He chose to never see me walk, speak, ride a bike, decide what foods I liked or disliked, graduate, get married, meet his grandchildren..... Fuck him. Fuck him! The dad that I have now is my dad. He's the only dad I have ever known and as far as I'm concerned HE was there when I was born. But, on the other fucked up hand, do you know how much it sucks that you don't know where you came from biologically? Do you know how it feels to know that you have never and will never look into someones eyes and see yourself? I have no idea what traits I have. I have no idea of anything. Yes, I've seen pictures and I know things about him, both good and bad, but *I* never have that luxury to see for myself. If he died because he was physically sick or for whatever reason I don't think I'd be as bitter as I am right now. What he did was selfish. Purely selfish. You just don't do that to your child. I'm not upset that my mom thought out loud. I'm just upset. Period. I try making it a point not to think about him. I don't know any dates. I know that he died in November and was born in January. That's all I know. I think my mom married him in January too but that I'm not sure about. I do wear the wedding ring that he gave my mom on my thumb. Even though I'm a cold hearted bitch about the situation, that's the one thing that I have. The one thing that reminds me of where I came from. I doubt I'll ever take it off. I've worn it for years. Well actually, my mom had it for a while but I took it back. Long story there, don't ask. The other items I have... Some military items. His glasses and his watch, which I'm assuming he had on when he bit the bullet. Some other miscellanious items. A briefcase which contains more misc shit as well as cards from his funeral. Why my mom kept that I have no idea. Oh, I also have his flag from the coffin.
I hope that one day I will be able to forgive him. When I was younger it didn't bother me much. I knew I came from someone else but never really thought about it much. Now that I'm a mom, I'm just pissed off. It's one of those forgive and forget things, only I can't forgive and I try my damnest to forget. His family pisses me off too which is a whole other post. My Grandma is a good lady and she has my utmost respect. She was always good to me. In fact I would spend my summers with her downstate. She taught me a lot about life. She's starting to lose it. I should really write her a letter and tell her how much I appreciate her before she forgets who I am...
Well I that's all I have. I got that out and now I'm going to go back to forgetting. Sometimes I really think I need therapy because I'm sooooo fucking bitter. Some days I do well with it, although tonight was not one. Every time I see a movie about a parent dying and there are kids involved and what they do to prepare the kids I get pissed. Actually, pissed isn't really the right word. I'm just full of emotion. I get sad, then angry, then just blah.
Wow, two posts from me today... Imgaine that?!
Saturday, November 25, 2006
Boston UpdateOk, because I know you're all dying!!! :)
I talked to Boston on Tuesday and decided since S was going with my parents on Wednesday that we would go to dinner. YEAH me!!! On Wednesday however, I get an email saying that he's really not feeling well, he was going to lay down for a little while and see if he felt any better. Later I got another saying he'd just gotten up and still wasn't feeling that well but maybe just needed to wake up a bit and gain some energy. UGH!!! I emailed him back and told him that if he was sick we can do it another time. No big deal. It actually was a big deal but I mean if he's sick I can't really complain about that. So I called J & B and told her there was a change of plans and asked if I didn't hear back from Boston if they wanted to go out. They were game. I decided to get some stuff done around the house and wash the dishes etc. Then there was a knock at the door and there he was! Would have been nice for him to call me so I'd had some time to get ready. Oh well. I was just happy that he was here. I hurried up and got ready as quicky as I could and we headed out. I called J to tell her change of plans again and I think that she understood. Hell, I really didn't care if she did or didn't. :)
We went to a nice little steak house and had dinner and a couple beers. We talked and talked about nothing in particular. The waitress finally told us when we were ready to order to just put the water carafe on the edge of the table. :) We ate dinner and the dining room cleared out but we continued talking. Finally decided to go to a bar that had some music and have a drink there. We ran into a guy that he knew. I kept staring at him, knowing I'd met him before. Well, come to find out I'd met him through my best friends ex-boyfriend like 8 years ago. Small world. So the 3 of us had a couple drinks and caught up. We were going to try to make it home for last call but we missed it. We really didn't care anyway, we were just enjoying each others company.
The following day was Thanksgiving. He wasn't sure what was going on as no one really called him for dinner. He hadn't heard from his mom in a couple of weeks and his dad really hadn't planned anything. I did invite him to my parents house. I knew they wouldn't care. When he got home his dad, sister, Aunt and a couple others were there cooking dinner. So that turned out really nice for him. I ended up going to my parents house. We had a good time too. The highlight of the night was watching what my mom would do next. She'd drank WAY too much wine. It was hilarious!!! I'm really surprised that she didn't get sick. I called Boston when I got home and he had some friends over. His dad kept getting on the phone and it was hilarious. Kept telling me to come over. I was leary of walking into a house full of people I didn't know. Yes, yours truely has a shy bone in her body. Well I drank a beer before I got there to calm my nerves a bit. When I walked in his dad was already gone but his friends and sister were still there. I think there was actually only 1 person that I didn't know besides his sister. Wow! Is she a pretty girl!!! Tall, dark brown hair and these peircing blue eyes. Just beautiful. And she's really nice too. She's young, 20 I think, has a 2 year old and is getting married in August. Very, very nice girl. Anyway, we sat up and played cards for quite a while. The funny thing was that the guy that had sent me flowers a couple weeks ago was there too. Ya, a bit uncomfortable. :)
Friday I went out to pick up S. I hadn't heard from my parents at all so I wasn't sure if I was supposed to get her or what. I buzzed her on the pc but there was no answer. (They live in the middle of no where and don't have a land line phone in case you've forgotten or for the newbees out there.) I hopped in the car and drove out there. When I walked in the door she just sat there and stared at me until everyone else turned around and stared at me. Then she said "Mommy! You're not supposed to get me until tomorrow, I want to stay again tonight!!!!!!!!" My parents agreed that she could stay the night again so I visited for a short time and then went to find Boston. My mom asked what I was going to do if S wasn't coming home and I told her that I was invited to go out w/ him and his cousin that came up to visit and a couple friends that were in town. It was actually really nice. With it being just after Turkey Day there were a ton of people in town that I haven't seen in years. It was really nice to see them. We ended up at a local bar dancing our butts off again. He is a wonderful dancing partner!! :) I haven't had that much fun dancing w/ someone since S's dad. He and I used to have a kick ass time on the dance floor! Anyway, we danced our butts off and just had a great time. He decided to have an after bar party at his house. I stayed up till about 5am and I was done. DONE. Tired so I crawled into bed. I woke up at 8am and they were STILL awake. Unreal. I slept on and off all morning and then finally got up and went home to get ready and get S from my parents house. I can't hang w/ the big dogs anymore! Granted that they were all sleeping by probably 9am or so.
So, all in all.... I've had a wonderful time with him. I feel that I've met someone that I can have a great friendship with. He is very honest with me about himself and his life. He seems to be a genuine person. I've also learned that he has a big heart. He's a great dad to his children. They just got back from downstate last night and called him on their way and asked if they can come over and spend the night with him. I talked to his daughter on the phone last night. Adorable. What a little chatterbox!!! She and S will get along great. His kids are just about to turn 6 (boy) and 4 (girl). Right before and right after Christmas. I think they got jipped for birthdays!!!! :) My friends used to hate having their birthdays right around Christmas. Oh well. Glad mine is in the summer... Actually now that I write this, I wonder when his son's bday is? Our xmas party is Dec 16 and I'm still debating on inviting him or not.... I think that I'd have a great time with him. I know my cousin's hubby is going to the dinner part and then we decided we'd ditch him afterwards... We'll see what we decide I guess. I think that I'll just invite him to go. I know it's early. We haven't been seeing each other very long but I think that we'll still be talking by then! :) I think we'll be talking for a long time. :) I hope so anyway. I feel that I've met someone very, very special.
Labels: Boston
Sunday, November 19, 2006
Hunting Season has begun...Ya, so hunting season begins here mid November and every year I joke that I'm going to go out and "bag my buck".... Uh ya.
So I've been calling someone lately. We'll call him Peachy. Good guy. He actually stopped by a couple years ago when S and I lived in the apartment and I was really confused as to why he'd stop. Well, he'd gotten his gf pregnant so he married her. She's a total loser and I think she may have actually given birth in jail (not in the actual cell...). Very heavy into drugs and as a result she was ripping everyone and everything off. Anyway, she had the baby, he divorced her and took her to court for full custody of the baby, which he won. She's with some dirt bag now and whatever... He was dating this sickeningly beautiful tall blonde girl for quite a few months but now they've broken up so I was moving in for the kill. We've talked on the phone etc but nothing worth really mentioning. Friday after work my cousin and I stopped at the bar for a while and called him to tell him to come have a beer w/ us. Well he never did. He called us back but S called so I have to leave around 730p to go get her. Then I ended up at J's house bs'ing w/ them for a while. I think I made it home around 1030-11p or so... Got a vm from him Sat morning, called him back and sent a text w/ no response. I wasn't about to call him and tell him that I was going out Sat night. I'm pretty sure that he already knew. I think I did tell him I was heading out this weekend. Anyway, I waited for him to walk into the bar last night and he never did. I was talking to a good friend of mine and was getting ready to walk away when the guy sitting next to him started talking to me. Let's call him Boston. Well I'd talked to Boston on Halloween night. I had enough in me that I decided I could spark up conversation w/ him. I told him that I knew his name and introduced myself and said that our kids went to BHK together etc. He was either playing dumb or he really didn't remember me. He reminds me of an old friend of mine. When you first glance at him, you don't know which one he is, other than the peircing blue eyes. Yum.
So Boston and I got into conversation last night. I called him on the fact that he pretty much blew me off Halloween and I thought he was an arrogant asshole. He said he was sorry and explained that it was because his gf was there. Wonder-fucking-full is all I can think to myself. Another one!!!! I guess he and the gf broke up about a week or so ago. I refuse to be a rebound, which I explained to him. He said that they've broken up 3-4 times before and they realized that they're just not meant to be and THIS is the end of the road for them. It was mutual.... Uh ok. I realize that I'm a sucker but for some reason I really want to believe him. He was really honest w/ me last night and we talked for a very long time. He and I danced our asses off in the bar. Just the two of us. It was SO much fun!!!!! I'm sure I'll be called a few choice names today for the way that I was dancing last night but oh well. Who the hell cares? I had fun, he had fun, that's all that matters. I can honestly say, I haven't had that much fun w/ a guy, out dancing and not giving 2 shits less, in a very very long time. Well, after bar close we decided to head up to my house with J & B and sit in the hot tub. I have NO clue how long the other 2 lasted before they went home. He and I sat out there for hours and talked. We came inside and continued talking for such a long time. IDK, he claims that he wants to take me to dinner. I told him that HE has to call me. I'm NOT calling him. Especially w/ all of the blah blah w/ the ex girlfriend and what not. IDK what the situation is.... He could be feeding me a total line of shit. And if he is, you know what? I still had a great time Sat night. Singing and dancing. Just not giving a shit at all. It was really nice.
Sunday, November 12, 2006
Halloween & random pics
Create Your Own!
Thursday, November 09, 2006
Hi friends....I'm not deadHi guys. Yes, it's been a while. Unfortunately, for a time I was getting some unwanted comments. They did not have anything to do with me nor were they directed towards me but I was offended. I was told that "said persons" would not be back visiting my site, however tracker tells me otherwise. They are still stopping by. Apparently my blog is gossip central. Or the place to get the gossip. Sorry folks, no hair salon here. It's sad that I have to feel that way about a place that I used to really enjoy going to to express my own personal thoughts and feelings and correspond with my friends. All I can ask is that if you are reading this, PLEASE do not bitch about what is written here by me or my friends. This is MY place. You don't have to agree with it, but please respect it. I don't feel that's too much to ask.
So. With that said, I really have nothing to catch you up on. Halloween was fun. The girls and I ended up going out here instead of the original plans. We had a lot of fun. I ran into the asshole that lied about having the preg gf at home a couple of years ago. We have been friends since then. I forgave him although I still think he's a lying SOB. He's now married w/ 2 kids. It was the first time I've seen him in 2 years. I avoid him like the plague when he's in town. I have enough crap in my life. I don't need any more drama. I think we're ok now. I think he'll be back around hunting season which is in a couple of weeks.
In other man news... Hot UPS guy is back from Iraq. I have not seen or spoken to him although I did see that he was online last night so I sent him an IM welcoming him home and thanking him for what he's done for our country. I didn't hear anything back so I'm not sure if it was him online or one of his friends/brothers. I just signed on now and noticed that he's on again. I guess he's going back to work on Monday. Ever the dedicated employee. Even though he and I will never work out, I do wish him the best. He's a great person. I can still hear his laugh ringing in my ears. It's infectious.
My sweet pea is good. She was Mulan for Halloween. It was colder than hell here that day so she wasn't out too long. She has enough candy. In fact I dont think she's really touched it except for maybe a peice or two. If they could only all be that way huh!?
I hate politics and I'm SO glad it's over! The elections around here were close. The mayor won by ONE vote. Interesting. We also had to vote on a new Probate Judge, whose position just went to a full time position. What a mess that was. I'm just glad it's over. The local paper has been just crazy. If I EVER talk like I'm thinking about running for something, PLEASE remind me of how much I hate it ok?
Alright, believe it or not but I think I've run out of things to talk about. See, I told you my life has been very boring the last month or so!!! I'm sure I'll think of something interesting to talk about later. :)
Hope you're all well. I missed you!
