Just Another Bend In Journey of Life
Thursday, July 26, 2007
Life & DeathWell it's certainly been a day...
My Grandpa (mom's dad) was sick last weekend, having a hard time breathing. He only has a lung and 1/3 from a bout with cancer many years ago. He worked in the local mines for most of his life. My Aunt brought him to the walk in clinic and released him. Normally this is a very scary thing for us considering he's 85 years old and end up with pneumonia every year. But they released him and sent him on his way home. I've called a few times but haven't been up to see him yet. Apparently yesterday he'd gotten the results from the x-rays and tests that they did and he has emphysema and bronchitis. I was SO excited that it wasn't cancer! I sent my mom a message via the net and told her what was going on. She buzzed me this morning asking if I'd stopped there yesterday or if I'd called him, which I hadn't. She wanted to know how he was taking the news. I told her I assumed he was relieved that it wasn't cancer. She explained to me that it's chronic bronchitis that he has... That, accompanied with the emphysema isn't a good thing. It's called COPD and it's normally fatal. "COPD is a major cause of death and illness, and it is the fourth leading cause of death in the United States and throughout the world. There is no cure for COPD. The damage to your airways and lungs cannot be reversed."
Wonderfuckingful!
He usually ends up in the hospital with pnemonia every November right around Thanksgiving. Apparently COPD will make the rest of his organs work harder eventually over time. The thing is that he's so frail right now he just cannot afford to have that happen. He's lost 20 lbs in about 2 weeks and now weighs a whopping 132 pounds. He has stomach issues as well but weight loss is a side effect of COPD.
I just cannot imagine losing him. He's ALWAYS been there for me. ALWAYS. He's a tough ol bugger too. He'll fight unti the end....
I already watched one Grandpa slowly die this year, why do I have to go through this again? Why can't he just go peacefully in his sleep?
I just pray that he doesn't deteriorate fast. I hope that he takes care of himself and holds on as much and as long as he can.
This fucking sucks.
I think I have a case on PMS coming on because I am WAY emotional. Then again, I do have a lot going on in my life...
I watched The Notebook again tonight. My eyeballs still hurt from crying. I want love like that. Can you imagine? I can't. I just cannot imagine someone loving me like that. Looking at me like he looked at her.
That's why I hate movies, especially chick flicks. That shit doesn't happen in real life! :) Well, at least not in mine and not in many people that I know.
Maybe one day I'll find it. Until then, I won't give up hope!!! :)
Damn chick flicks!!!
Monday, July 23, 2007
Another year older....So I turned the big 3-0 on Thursday!!! Wow! I sat here that night at midnight, glas of wine in hand and reflected back on the past 10 years. Where I've been, the people I've met, the places I've been, and how much my life has changed. Ten years ago I was a flight attendant living out my dream. I've met so many great people on the way. Some who I have lost touch with along the way and some who have become life long friends.
This year I was going to sit at home and do NOTHING. I couldn't believe I was turning 30. Where did the time go??? Then the more I thought about it-- you can't stop time so why not celebrate right?! My parents surprised me as well as some friends. We all met down at the bar after work and stayed darn near closing time. Some left earlier than others but we had a blast. It was a late night but so much fun. I really couldn't have asked for a better night!
Here are some highlights--
  |   |
Monday, July 02, 2007
BusyI figured w/ Bug gone to her dad's house I'd have time to actually blog. I'm not sure if it's that I havent' had time because I know I'm pissed away a lot of time doing... well nothing really. Maybe it's that I dont have anything to say but who am I kidding there???
We hiked about 5 miles round trip on Father's Day to take my Grandpa to his final resting place. It was a hell of a hike but it felt so great to do it. It's what he wanted. I wasn't sure if I was going to go. Originally it was only supposed to be his sons-- my dad and my uncle hiking to the top of the mountain and then firecrotch insisted that my sister go. Then my uncle's son wanted to go. I was asked to go and declined because I'm "funny" about those kind of things. I wanted to go but didn't want to be a burden since it turned into more people than were originally supposed to go. The night before (Saturday) we had a surprise party for my Uncle. Before I left around 1am they were asking me if I was going and I kept telling them that I didn't know and expressed my concerns. They all kept telling me that I HAD to go. I left for home around 1am or so. While driving home, I decided to take the road that follows the lake. During my ride, my hands are on 10 & 2 o'clock on the steering wheel and Molly (the dog) is laying on her side and cannot touch anything. All of a sudden, my Sirius radio changes from Hits 1 to Playboy Radio. Now I admit this *is* on my preset but there is NO way this could have changed. It's just not possible. I just stared wide eyed at the Sirius in amazement. Next thing I know my heater is blowing air at me so I turn it down, but it will not go down. I shut it off and it finally shut off... for about 3 seconds and turned back on blowing air full force! There is no doubt in my mind that my Grandpa was in that car with me sending me a sign that I HAD to be there. It was the strangest thing, yet the best feeling all at once. That it was important enough to him, where ever he is, to send me a signal that he wanted me there. There is NO possible way that those things could have happened and they haven't happened since then. I drove home that night with a smile on my face and set my alarm. I flew out there as fast as I could after my shower that morning as I knew they were supposed to leave at 8am, however I figured they'd tie a good one on the night before so there was hope that they weren't gone yet. And I was right. I walked in, my mom was sleeping in the loft, my sister was sprawled out on the couch and my dad was sleeping in bed w/the alarm blaring in his ear. My Grandpa was such a fan of Playboy that I just *know* it was him. It was just odd. Love you Grandpa!!!
Bug is still gone. She comes home Thursday and she's not too happy about it. She's upset bc she was here for 6 mos w/o seeing her dad and brother. She'll be here till the 17th and then head back out till Aug 23rd. We'll have a busy weekend. My sister gets married this weekend. So when we get back from our very long day we have to go to the hall to help decorate and then go back again the next day and do it all over again. Busy weekend.
Hard to believe I'm going to be 30 in a couple of weeks. This is *so* not what I pictured my life like at 30. It's not that I'm NOT happy with my life, I've done good for myself with what I have. But those are material things. I wanted to be married and have a family. Not even be married. I really don't care about that, but I wanted the family. I talk to friends that aren't happy w/ their spouses and tell me "Oh be GLAD you're not married", but they don't see me and my life and how completely lonely it can really be. I have no one besides a 6 year old to share things with. I have no one to be intimate with. No one with big strong arms to hug me when I need it or kiss me on the forehead and assure me things will be ok. No one to cook for. Don't get me wrong, I don't have a "bad" life and I don't look at it that way, I just miss having someone "there". It sucks being alone. Even now, I usually find someone to keep me occupied when Bug is gone but I haven't even done that this time. Slim pickin's 'round these here parts.... The ones that I do find--- NOTHING good can come of it. Nothing. End of story. I guess I get that rush from meeting people and flirting, which is great, but at the end of my day, I know I'm going home to a house which contains my dog and 2 bald cats.... Maybe that's why I have so many animals? Who the fuck knows?!
Street dance in town tomorrow. Not "my" town, but the town across the bay this time. It's usually a good time. Supposed to be chilly tomorrow though. Hopefully it'll turn out nice and I'll run into people I haven't seen in forever. That's always nice.
Tomorrow is my last day of work for the week. THANK GOD! It'll be nice to get out of there for a few days, although most of it will be spent getting ready for the wedding. Who'd have thought my baby sister would get married before me? That's just so wrong on so many levels. On the other hand, her fiance in a GREAT guy and I really don't think I could find someone more fitting for her. They have a fairytail of sorts. She eyed him up before he knew it, he was dating someone, they broke up, somehow he asked her out and never left. He's lived with her pretty much ever since. Why can't I find something like that? People say I'm picky, and maybe I am.... I just know what I want in life. I refuse to settle for the sake of not being alone. I'm confident, when the time is right, I'll meet that someone I'm supposed to. Until then, well I guess I'll just be... me. :)
Have you ever heard a song and it brings you back to a different time and place? I have and always do. On a daily basis. Most of them are fun times that help me remember the good ol days. Things I've done, people I've met, places I've been to etc... I'm doing just that right now. Listening to Tonic. Not one song in particular. The entire CD. Well no, I guess there is one song I'm partial to bc of something that was said to me from someone and how much it reminded them of me.... Oh well. We have memories don't we? :)
Alright, I'm outta here. I'll post slideshows later. Remind me if I forget ok? I'm going to go fake bake so I don't look like skimmed milk for the wedding in my butter yellow dress! :)
Later peeps! (That sounded gangster didn't it?! I rock!)
