Just Another Bend In Journey of Life
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
I did it!!!
Ok, I just amazed myself. I actually sat down and changed the look of my blog. Imagine that?! Now the only thing I have left to figure out is how in the hell to link other people???? HELP!!!!
So what's new in my life? Lets see.... I haven't talked to BT since Monday. He called me at work on his lunch break wondering what was going on... Uh, WTF is wrong w/ this picture? Lets back up to Friday. After I got off of work I stopped at my sisters to pick up my daughter. I left my cell in the car and apparently he tried calling. Oops. Ok, so he pulls into the driveway and is asking what we have planned. Well my daughter was supposed to stay at a friends house on Sat night but they're plans changed so she wanted her to stay there on Friday instead. She didn't want to do that (she says she's not ready to be away from me yet... understandable), so I told her that if she wanted her cousin to spend the night that was ok with me. So that's what we planned on doing. In the meantime while BT was outside my cousin called me at my sisters house wondering what was going on and wanted me to stop up and have a beer and let the girls play. I explained to him that I didn't know what was going on yet. He wanted to take a ride... well then go. I mean, why NOW is he asking me to do something?! He kept saying that he just wanted to spend time with me. Uh pal, you just HAD 6 weeks to do something with me and you fucking blew it. What do you want me to do about it now? This is MY time to spend with my daughter that has been gone for 6 weeks. My world now revolves around her again and I'd have it no other way. Well, he was all concerned about my cousin and I going out if S stayed the night at her friends. I had NO intention on going out at all that night. Anyway, like I explained to him, why now is he asking to spend time with me? Why now 5 months into the relationship???? Fucked up if you ask me!!! I mean, anyone that has kids or even dates a single parent would kill for a day alone to do something. But no, he couldn't do that, he had to wait until she got home to finally decide to spend time with me. Well you know what? Now I'm busy. Now I'm doing the things that *I* want to do. Fuck you. I mean, I waited around thinking that when she was gone, that would be our time to do things together and spend time together. Makes sense to me. Now I understand that he had softball 2 days a week and spends one night a week at camp w/ his dad and the other guys, but what about the other 4 days of the week? Where was my day? Where did I fit in? Pretty sad that in 6 weeks I can count on ONE hand how many times we did something. Seriously people. Even I know that I deserve more than that!!! I deserve someone that actually wants to be with me and not 5 months into the relationship. I explained to him many times how my life was going to drastically change when she came home. He should have known that, he was with me for what? 3.5 months before she even left? Whatever. So anyway, he took off, asked me to call him later and I went to my cousins house. I got home around 10ish and checked my vm. There was a message from my Aunt saying that my Grandpa was in the hospital again. (Every year.) So I called my cousin back to let her know then called my Aunt to find out what was going on. She filled me in, called my cousin back and by the time I called him it was probably 1130p. I got the vm and left a message that I was going to the hospital in the morning when we got up to see my gpa and then going to the fair. The point is-- at least I attempted to call, no matter what time it was. So Saturday we went to the fair and then had a few beers afterwards. S's cousin stayed the night and we got back late. I called him again and again left a message. Sunday rolls around and the girls and I played outside and then I did some housework that *so* had to be done. Dropped the girls off to play at my cousins for a while, came home so I could do some more stuff, picked S back up and was back home by probably 630p. Never did I hear from him once all weekend. So when he called on Monday and asked what was going on..... WTF?! I mean, he gets in these moods (for lack of a better word) if he's pissed about something and then I dont' hear from him for like 2-3 days. I explained to him that I hadn't heard from him since Friday so why NOW is he calling me? Well he gave me the speel that I was leaving early Sat etc... I was sitting on the porch that morning and saw him ride by. He didn't stop nor did he call. He said that he did see my car home. And he saw it home on Sunday when he rode by again. That's just fucked right up. I mean, you physically see my car home and you dont' even call me?! He couldn't have called to see how my Grandpa was or what was wrong with him???? That's not right. Not right at all as far as I'm concerned. Then again, he is not me either I guess. So apparently on Monday he wanted to know what was up. I told him, very frankly, to go find an 18 year old party girl that still lives at home with mom and dad and can do whatever the hell she wants. He is in no way, shape or form ready for someone with kids or a family. If he is, he sure has a funny way of showing it. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. It's just dumb. He can be a really great guy and has potential but..... call me in 10 years. I don't doubt his feelings for me but I just can't do it like it is anymore. Sure I miss him but I know that this is the right decision for me. Like Composer said in a post the other day... I deserve more.
In other news. S rode her bike w/o training wheels the other day. Yes I realize that this should have happened sooner but it didn't help that while she was gone for 6 weeks her dad had her riding a TRICYCLE because his ass is too cheap to even go to the local thrift shop and find her a bike. Fucker. I hate him. She's riding it like a champ now though. She's so proud of herself and I am very, very proud of her.
School starts on Tuesday. We stopped up there last night and she has every.single. bad child in her grade in her classroom this year. No wait, I lied. One of the trouble-maker girls is in a different room this year. Thank. God. Still, why is she w/ all the bad kids and the "old school" teacher? UGH. It's going to be a tough year, I can see it already. The teacher she has is really strict which is probably why all the "bad" kids are in there. Her little cousin had her last year and keeps telling her that she's mean. I keep telling her to let S form her own opinion of her. Granted she's about 30 years older than all the other teachers in the school and as a result, I'm guessing has a whole different way of teaching. I was going to ask that she be moved but you know what? She's going to come across people in her life, whether it's in school, work or just life in general, that she doesn't get along with or care for and she's going to have to suck it up. We all have to. I can't coddle her forever. She's very adaptable. She'll make it.
She was so excited about riding a 2 wheeler last night that she wanted to call her dad. After she was done talking he starts asking me when I'm moving to VA? Uh, NEVER. He KNEW that I didn't like it out there to begin with and the ONLY reason I went back there was because I was preg and wasn't able to fly anymore. He KNEW that before he even started dating me and we dated for a year before getting engaged and getting pregnant. Why is this a shock now? He claims that's her home because she was born there and I "took " her. WTF ever. He watched me leave. In fact, he HELPED me haul things down the stairs. There was a police dept right across the street. He never called them and told them that I was taking or kidnapping her (a term he's used on a few occasions). But anyway he thinks that she should live there because she was born there. I was born in MD, you don't see me rushing back there. In fact he was born in Argentina, why the fuck doesn't he go back there?! He has NO family in the states besides his children. (A son from a previous marriage.) Like I told him, why doesn't HE move to MI? No, she was born in VA. Then throws at me "How would you feel if you had to grow up without your sister?" Well then MOVE TO MI!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Dumb fuck. I finally couldn't deal with him anymore so I hung up on him. Childish I know, but I cannot deal with him. He is ALWAYS right. Always. There is never any discussion. Everyone else is wrong. He'd probably argue with God if he ever met him. Or complain that the Red Sea was parted the wrong way. Seriously, he's that bad. So it dawns on me that S has been asking why we can't move to VA etc. So I came back inside (I don't argue around her at all) and asked her if her dad has been telling her to tell me to move to VA? She says that he has. I asked her where SHE wants to live and she tells me that she wants to live here. She said that the only people in her family that don't live here are her dad, brother and a Grandma from a differnet side of the family. Hmmm... The fucker is trying to brain wash her!!!!!!!! God I hate him. I really do. I realize that he bought a brand new townhouse last year and what not but I just bought a house too. Why should I have to give up my family and house for him??? What makes my life so less important that I should have to give everything up? Now I realize that I am the one that moved half way across the country when I left him. But seriously, he knew how much I hated VA. He knew I had no intention on living there forever. In fact, there was a time when we were looking into different airlines that had job openings in differnet states. So WHY is it that I shoud have to pick up and move and take her away from the other part of her family? Now I do understand that every little girl needs her daddy and her brother but why should I have to sacrifice everything? Isn't there compromise here? I asked him that and he said no, that there shouldnt' be any compromise because that's where she was born. Whatever. Jack ass.
Did I tell you I am in the jury pool? Yes people, I am a juror. I can't remember my juror number though. I know, I suck. Anyway, I have had a few dates which have all been pled (is that a word?) out before the actual trial... until last week. The county that I live in we not only have to serve for the courthouse but also for the MAXIMUM SECURITY prison. Yes, Level 5. What a joy that place is. Full of convicts of the worst kind. Child molesters, murderers, etc. You name it they're in there. Thugs. A pool of thugs within the concrete barrier and barb-wire fence that seperates them from the real world. I was scared.to.death to have to go to the prison. I didn't know what to expect at all. I don't know if I thought I was going to be fed by those ass fuckers or what but I wasn't thrilled about having to go. Not in the least. Well, I get there and realize it's not that scary and I can't see the incarsarated idiots that think the world owes them. I was amazed to see the people that were in the jury pool with me. Yes, I'm the cops daughter. The Sheriff's brother was there, another chief's wife, people from the courthouse etc... Of course none of us were going to make it on the jury. Anyway, I spent about 3 hours there and never got called. Thank God. Although I do admit that it would have been interesting to sit through the actual trial. You know, since this prison has been here which has been roughly 15 years now... It really makes you think. Those assholes in there in many ways have more things than you and I have. Granted they don't have the freedom that we have. Yet, my taxpaying dollars are paying for them to have 100% medical coverage of every kind. They can screw someone up the ass in the next cell, get an anal tear and guess who's paying for that medical bill? Yes, you and I are. You, me and all of the older people, Vets etc. that cannot afford to have insurance. Yet the thugs in there that should have NO rights get medication and everything else they want. I used to work in a pharmacy and seen so many of the people that have served our country have to give up prescriptions for their failing health because they cannot afford them yet these assholes can have whatever they want. Tucks for hemmoroids, lotion for scoriosis (sp?) etc... Sad, very sad. They should rot. They shouldn't get any of that. Let them suffer. They're being taken care of because they did something terrible to be in a level 5 prison yet we are paying for it?! Ridiculous. They have books to read and you know what? They can go to school to be Dr's and Lawyers if they want. Ya, they're NEVER going to get out but lets give these low lifes a higher education that *I* cannot afford. Why not? They're never going to use it but lets give them a degree. Why not? Dumb. Someone in the system fucked up somewhere big time as far as I'm concerned. No wonder why there are so many repeat offenders. Why not live there? Yes they live in their little 8x10 cell or whatever it is but they get 3 hot meals a day, exercise, an eduaction, medical attention, and the right to a jury trial for something they did WHILE IN prison. How many of them do you think are actually found not guilty? Not too many. At least I know that since this prosecuter's been here, he hasn't had one come back not guilty. And he's been around a while. Then again, if I was the thug, I'd probably take advantage of it too. Why not get out of your cell for a while and sit in a big room with normal people for a day and a half? Many of the people that got called up to sit in the jury box expressed their feeling on that too. Good for them! They said that they didn't feel that he had a right to a jury trial since they are in there for a reason. Then again, what do they care? Most of them are never getting out and they don't care if they're wasting our money, time etc. That we had to cancel Dr's appts or whatever because of the fear of being held in contempt of court and doing jail time or fines. They don't care. I found out later that the juy took 37 min to come back w/ a guilty verdict. Apparently the guy was in prison for a felony of intent to do bodily harm less than murder and his second felony was intent to do bodily harm on a prison employee. Makes me wonder what else he did. I'm betting he took a plea bargin to get in there in the first place. Waste of life. This is the same prison that made national headlines last year because a prison employee that worked in the kitchen was having a fling w/ a prisoner and her and a female corrections officer LET HIM GO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yes, she drove the food truck and the corrections office just "happened" to leave the door open and hid him in a food cart. They had a parked car waiting for them about a mile away and then fled to WI. They were gone a day and a half. Wow! I bet that was worth it huh? The girlfriend/food service worker wasn't a prison employee so she got off easy. She's still doing prison time but it could have and should have been much worse. She's got a few years in a state prison. She leaves behind a couple of daughters, they're older but still. Probably in their 20's. Now you tell me, what the hell was going through her mind? I mean, did she REALLY think they were going to get away with it?! They would found in a motel in WI. I think she'd dyed her hair. Their pictures were plastered all over. The corrections officer on the other hand has 2 (I think 2) young children at home. Because she was an employee of the state she faced the same term that the prisoner was in prison for, which if I remember right was a life term. She's doing more time than the gf is but still. She's going to miss out on SO much of her childrens lives. She's married. The whole sha-bang. What a dumbass. I mean, did they really think they weren't going to find them? That they were going to get away with it? Whatever. They just screwed themselves and their families for life. The one that was running away with him, was she never going to talk to her daughters again and just live life on the run? If my mom ever did that to me, that'd be it. You're giving your life up for a convict. Unbelievable. There are some majorly fucked up people in this world let me tell ya.
Ya, I'm sure your eyes are falling out by now but I had a lot to say. :) I haven't been on much in the past month so you're getting it all in one lump sum. Sorry about that. (Ok, I'm really not.) Oh, and I know that sometime this week is my 1 year Blogger anniversary I just can't remember the date exactly. Oh well. It's the point that I've (semi) stuck with something for a year now. :) This has lasted longer than most of my relationships for Gods sake!!!! :)
Ok people, you may not hear from me for a while again but I'll try harder to find time even if it's just a minute. :)
Ta ta bitches!
Update-- August 24 was my 1 year anniversary so I guess I'm a week late. On top of that I've realize that I also lost the link to my profile.... So now I need to figure out that and how to change my links... Mike? :)
Posted by Miss Sarah ::
8/30/2006 11:09:00 PM ::
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Thursday, August 24, 2006
2 week review
Hello all. I know, I'm a total slacker!!! It's been almost 2 weeks since I've updated but I've been so busy w/ S home that I haven't had a chance to even sit and think!
We're having a great time together. We're both readjusting to the fact that she's here. She's been very much a mama's girl for the past couple of weeks while I'm gone to work. It sucks but what am I going to do? I can't just rush home every time she wants me. Only a week left until school starts and then we'll really get back into the routine. There's a fair this weekend in a neighboring town that I was planning on taking her to but now her friend from school asked her to go w/ her family so everything is up in the air. I'd really like to take her. Plus, they just opened a new Applebees up there and S LOOOOOVES Applebees!!!
Things w/ BT are up in the air. Who the hell knows. He really is trying hard and I'm giving him a ton of credit for it but I can't help to think that I'm going to wake up and everything will be back to "normal". It'll happen. No one can change like that over night. He has been so good though, I don't know why he couldnt' be like this from the beginning. IDK. I'm not trying to lead him on but I just really don't know how to act at all. I feel like I'm just waiting for the floor underneath me to cave in. Save the lectures, I already know what I have to do, it's just a matter of doing it... I really don't know if this can work...
My bald pussy...er, I mean, my cat (Mork) has a tan. Yes it's hard to believe but he does. His head and in between his shoulders is striped like a zebra. It's funny. I'll have to try taking a picture.
I talked to my Grandma a week or so ago. She forgot my birthday this year. The first time since I was born. My cousin T's bday is 5 days before mine but I bet she didn't forget his. Granted that this is from my sperm donor's side of the family so I don't talk to them as much as I do my family here. Then again, that's their choice, not mine. I tried for many years and I'm done. I love my gma to death and I know she's getting up there in years so I excuse her for it but not the rest of them. I did get a card from my Aunt (on the sperm donor's side) that lives in FL. I guess my Uncle's cancer came back and he's undergoing chemo again. He's not doing so well. He and I really bonded a few years ago when they came up. He's a good guy. My Aunt was supposed to come up in September or October and drive my Grandma back down to FL because she really shouldn't be driving by herself but now w/ my Uncle in his condition who knows what will happen. I'd love to drive her down there but we'd probably end up killing each other in the car. :) She's an "old school" teacher from back in the day. OMG some of the stories she'd tell him while growing up about the kids!!! Most of them were from a bad part of town. Many of the fathers were out of the picture for one reason or another and most of the mothers were prositutes. She smacked one kid w/ a ruler and broke it and swatted another on the ass w/ her hand so hard that she broke some blood vessels. She'd told the kids that someone better come in w/ a belt the next day because she wasn't going to do that to her hand again. Sure enough, the next day one of the kids had taken his dad's (or whoever the guy was in the house at the time) leather belt in. She hung that right up on the back of the door in the classroom so they could all see it and they knew what was coming to them. The funny thing is that she gained respect from the majority of the kids. I remember being in Meijer or wherever with her during the summers that I was there and there'd be a student wherever we'd go that would recognize her. She'd always tell me that she couldn't figure out who they were since they'd changed so much since they were little kids but their smile always stayed the same. I can't say that I every recall her NOT remembering someone that came up to her after they told her their name. Magic Johnson went to her school and her good friend Pinky taught him. He used to go over there all the time and play bball w/ the kids in the neighborhood.
I turned up the hot tub. It's freaking cold here at night already!!! When did this shit start happening!? One of our customers called today because they're leaving to go back to Southern Cali around September 01. Lucky bastards. All the calls will start coming in now. All the snowbirds will be leaving heading back to FL, AZ and CA. Some of them hold out until after Christmas and come back in May. But the true snow birds will start flocking earlier. Fuckers.
Oh anyway, so I turned the hot tub back up. I guess it'll just be me and S if I kick BT to the curb. He never really liked to sit in it anyway. I think we went out there once besides the time we were in there w/ B&J for 4 hours and I got sick. Imagine that?! Ya, it was fun at the time but not when I got out. I. WAS. SICK!!!! No more 4 hour crap!!! We're going to try having a girls weekend either this weekend or next since my cousins hubby is gone to guard training. I told S that she and L can have kiddie cocktails while me and Auntie will drink beer. :) She thought that was a cool idea.
Well, I have to get going since S is laying down ready for bed.... I'll try updating more often!
Posted by Miss Sarah ::
8/24/2006 09:19:00 PM ::
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Saturday, August 12, 2006
The Dash
Someone sent this to me in an email yesterday morning. Normally I don't get sappy over things but this one really made sense and I thought I'd share it with you.
The Dash
-
I read of a man who stood to speak
at the funeral of a friend.
He referred to the dates on her tombstone
from the beginning...to the end.
-
He noted that first came the date of her birth
and spoke of the following date with tears,
but he said what mattered most of all
was the dash between those years.
-
For that dash represents all the time
that she spent alive on earth...
and now only those who loved her
know what that little line is worth.
-
For it matters not, how much we own;
the cars....the house...the cash.
What matters is how we live and love
and how we spend our dash.
-
So think about this long and hard...
are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left,
That can still be rearranged.
-
If we could just slow down enough
to consider what's true and real,
and always try to understand
the way other people feel.
-
And be less quick to anger,
and show appreciation more
and love the people in our lives
like we've never loved before.
-
If we treat each other with respect,
and more often wear a smile...
remembering that this special dash
might only last a little while.
-
So, when your eulogy's being read
with your life's actions to rehash...
would you be proud of the things they
say about how you spend your dash?
-
Author Linda Ellis
Posted by Miss Sarah ::
8/12/2006 09:16:00 AM ::
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Thursday, August 10, 2006
Happy Days
I've been having so much fun now that S is home that I've almost forgotten about you guys!!! Just kidding! I'm actually having a really good time. We had a bday party today for my little cousin. Tomorrow is the party w/ his friends and we're going bowling. Why I have to go to that one too is beyond me but I guess I have to. I'd rather be at the beach though!!! The weather's been good for the most part. There's a rinky dink farm fair this weekend that we'll probably go to.
BT is still in the pic... for now. I know that he's not my *forever*, I guess I'm just trying to figure out what to do/how to do it. There really is no easy way. I just know that what I have right now is not what I want in my life. It's also reminded me as to why I don't date younger men. He is a very nice guy and can be very sweet when he wants to be. I will give him that. Yet, this is my life. I'm done w/ the partying and shit. I've been there and done that. I guess I'm used to being w/ someone that actually gives a shit and he does, but not in the way that I think he should. He needs an 18 year old and I need someone mid 30's-early 40's w/ a vasectomy!!! :) I guess I like the older guys because they have their shit together. They've partied and gotten all that shit out of their systems. They know what they want... for the most part. What I have now is just not that. I'm not happy like I was in the beginning. I'm not dwelling on it either. Just thinking things through..... I'm not upset, bitter, resentful etc.... Just full of thoughts. I know that in the end it will all work itself out. I'm too distracted to really get into it right now as I keep getting IM'd. Anyway, I think you can understand that I've mellowed out a bit and I pretty much have made up my mind...
S has spent the past couple days at my sisters house. They've spent some time at my gmas visiting. Tomorrow she will go to her friend K's house. K is going on 4 and S will be 6 within a couple days of each other. They are the SAME size. S speaks full sentences where as K does not but her parents really don't help her w/ it either. The only problem is that K is VERY spoiled and whiney. To the point that it's just annoying. I hate spoiled kids. Seriously. They think they can just turn on the tears and everything will be going their way. Well, I don't personally work that way and K knows that. We stopped at their house on Monday as I had the day off and S wanted to visit. Well we decided that it was warm enough to do to the beach so I offered to take K w/ us. UGH! I KNEW what I was getting myself into as I'd witnessed her mom trying to get sand off of her a week or so earlier) but S hasn't seen her in 6 weeks so I figured what the hell... GRRRRR....... The girls were in the water and then playing in the sand and K was full of it. S had gone in and out of the lake so she was pretty much sand free. I asked K to go into the water to wash the sand of and it was as if I'd asked her to pull out every single eyelash she had w/ a set of tweezers. So I grabbed her and took her out ankle dep into the water. Ok, now it was like I was giving her itty bitty paper cuts all over her body. She was just having a fucking coniption fit. I HAD IT! I told her to get her towel (sand and all) and just go to the car. Well then it got even worse. She was yelling "I don't want to", "I no go to car". WHAT?! You've got to be fucking kidding me! Again, I asked her to get to the car. We were leaving. Not staying, not discussing it, not dealing w/ the crying and not passing Go. Simply packing up our shit up and leaving. Going home. Dropping her off. Seriously, then I tried getting some of the sand off of her feet when we were at the car and she was STILL crying. She cried for at least 45 min STRAIGHT!!!!! She cried almost all the way home which is 15 min or so. I brought her in the house, told her mom I yelled at her and why etc, and left. I cannot deal w/ that. The child gets her way with just about everything. Pop, candy, chocolate, juice etc... at 11pm.. because she wants it. And then they wonder WHY she doesn't go to bed at night!? Hello people!? I mean, I do realize that everyone raises their kids differently but she is going to have a hard time later when she's in school w/ other kids and isn't getting her way all the time and being the center of attention. Every single time I'm there she's crying about something to get her way. Come fucking on people!!!! I'm not saying that my child is perfect but she knows her limits. She knows when I'll bend and when I won't. She's not spoiled but she's not lacking either. She knows she's not getting a toy every single time we walk into WalMart. Ok, enough. I'm done. sorry if I offended anyone that has spoiled children. But seriously, they're annoying at times!
I suppose I should be going to bed. I do have to be up in a few hours. I'm really not tired... I think I may be getting a case of Bronx's insomnia. Thanks Bronx! :)
Happy Trails!
Posted by Miss Sarah ::
8/10/2006 12:01:00 AM ::
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Saturday, August 05, 2006
YEAH!!!!
Ok, two good things so far today... My blog is working! I can actually log into it whereas last night I couldn't. And my baby is already in Chicago!!!!!!!!! OMG! I am so excited to see her!!!!
Have a good weekend guys and you may not hear from me for a couple days but I will try to get on here. I promise!!!
TTFN
Posted by Miss Sarah ::
8/05/2006 08:43:00 AM ::
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Tuesday, August 01, 2006
Still alive...
I'm still alive people. It's been insanely hot here. 107 on Monday!!! I should have fried an egg in my driveway but I thought about it too late. Damn it.
Picked up a trampoline for S today. It's a 14 footer. She'll love it! I couldn't believe how big it was. She'll be in heaven!!! Only 4 more days to go. I cannot wait!
Interesting who checks your blog isn't it? I find it interesting when I check the stats to see what different locations people come from.....
Posted by Miss Sarah ::
8/01/2006 11:05:00 PM ::
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