Just Another Bend In Journey of Life
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Just some blah blah from yours truely| You Are Scooter |
 Brainy and knowledgable, you are the perfect sidekick. You're always willing to lend a helping hand. In any big event or party, you're the one who keeps things going. "15 seconds to showtime!" |
How nice is that? The funny thing is that in school some people DID call me Scooter! I really don't think that muppet "fits" me but I thought it was humorous in my own little world. Purely because of the name.
Bug wants a puppy. One of her friends just got an all black male Pom. He is SO cute. His brother was still available but I have decided against a male. Thinking back to all the dogs that we had while I was growing up, the females were always better. In the aspect of being well behaved as well as holding their bladder! So I've opted to not call on the brother. I have searched high and low around this area as well as parts on MN and WI. Do you think I can find something I want that is reasonably priced!? Ugh. I even listed a "want" ad on our internet classifieds for a small dog. Someone did just list a litter of Bichon Frise--3 female and 2 male for $350 but I really don't care for the look of that breed. I dont know why but I just don't.
I'm waiting for one woman to call me back tomorrow. Apparently she was out of town today. I think it was her daughter that answered. She lives about an hour away from me. I came across the website for their kennel last night. I'm VERY leary of them. It seems that they'd gotten a rather large grant from the state to build a larger kennel. On their website they have 35 different types of dogs listed!!! Now, there are only so many people up here. I live in an extremely rural area. EXTREMELY. On their website they do have pics of the outside of the kennel. None of the inside, only a description. It's fairy new. I'd say they got the grant to build in the past 10 years. Anyway, I've never heard of these people before. They have the name of a vet listed so I decided to call him today. I had called the number on their website but kept getting a fax machine tone. Anyway, the vet gave me their home number to call them. Seems that they are divorcing. But here's what I'm torn about. (Obviously bc I'm SURE this has crossed your mind already.) THIRTY FIVE different types of dogs?! My first thought--- Puppy Mill. How can it NOT be a puppy mill? I did do some reserch and there was an online petition for this "puppy mill" but the majority of the ppl that signed it dont even live NEAR here. I'm sure if I live an hour away and didn't know about it, how can someone that lives in TX or CA know about it!? You'd also think that IF it was a puppy mill, with it being so rural up here and the Humane Society watching your EVERY move that it'd have been plastered all over the news and shut down. Yet, that has never happened. They are advertised in the phone books as well as their website... Ok, so whether it is or it isn't a puppy mill, I can't help but to wonder--- are they inter-breeding? So I'm stuck with the question of do I or do I not get a puppy if they have what I'm looking for? Ok... update here. I was just reading again and it says "To be sure our puppies arrive at your store free of stress"......... ok, so they ARE selling these puppies. So are ALL puppy mills bad? Or is it that you just hear about the bad ones? Do I try to save an animal from them??? What do I do??? I guess I could ask to see the inside of the kennel and go from there. If I think the conditions are bad I will report them.... Still, do I get a puppy from them? I'm so torn. I'd love to save an animal from those conditions but.... Oh IDK!!!!
In other news. The house next to my Aunt and Uncle is up for sale. CHEAP. Ok, everything up here is cheap. I only paid $35,000 for my house. Yes it's small but what's $35,000?! It's 2 bdrm but I have a GREAT yard. There are a few drawbacks however. I have VERY limited storage. The basement is gross so I refuse to go down there which is actually no big loss. I have a very small amount of cupboard space etc. So my Aunt calls me the other day to ask if I want to sell my house and buy their neighbors. After I hang up w/ her my Uncle calls me at work. Ugh. I told him to tell the woman that I would come over and look at it. When my Uncle was helping her out w/ her garbage the other day she asked him if he knew of anyone that would be interested in her house. Her husband just passed away and her kids are here cleaning it out to move her out of town with them. I looked at the house today. While I don't quite have the privacy I did before, it does have a big back yard. Possibly bigger than what I have here. In fact, I'm pretty sure it is. It has blueberry and raspberry bushes, apple tree and possibly a cherry tree. Very pretty. The house has 3 small bedrooms, one of which would be a great playroom/computer room. The living room is a bit bigger than mine. The kitchen has a BRAND NEW stove, built in microwave, under cabinet new coffee pot and new fridge. Beautiful. The sink is newer and bigger than the "barbie doll" one I have here. The cabinets are huge! There's storage ALL over the house. Although the bedroom closets are smaller. There is a full bathroom which is a LOT smaller than the one that I currently have and it's freaking PINK. I HATE PINK!!! There is another 1/2 bath off of the kitchen. Both toilets are brand knew in both bathrooms. From there is a small walk through where the washer and dryer are as well as more storage space. There's also a really neat ironing board that is INSTALLED into the wall. You just pull a thing and out it pops and then you fold it back up! Really neat. You can then go out into a little porch/mudroom area. There is the main door to the outside and then to the garage. There is also a closet in this room. The garage is spectacular!!! There is a heater in the wall in case I want to tinker around with stuff (ya know bc I'm SO into my car fixing and wood working!!!). The garage is a 2 car so it's quite big. He built a room off of the garage for whatever reason. Some sort of office space. There is also a fold down ladder thing that you can pull out of the ceiling and go to the attic in the garage. It's fully finished and not "icky" in the least. So MORE storage there. You can go either into the house or to the backyard from the garage. The yard is really nice. Now there is a big pine tree in the front yard which is just ugly. Plain and simply. Ugly. I'd take it down. There's a little shed in the backyard which is painted SO cute. He also has plants and rosebushes all over the yard as well as other flowers. Just really really pretty. I like the house. It's bigger than this one but not a whole lot. Not to mention that Bug has no friends here but they are all over on that block!!! All her friends. Oh there's so many pros and cons. At first my Uncle said that she was going to be moving in Jan. Well today I found out that she'll be moving by JUNE!!!! On Tues I got a raise so I was figuring that I could save the difference that I'd be getting towards the down payment right? Ya, well that's not going to happen! So now I have to figure out how I can come up with the money in a VERY short time!!! Ugh. I really don't want to sell this house. I figure my house payment including escrow isn't much. Under $400/mo. So I could rent this house out for $425-450/mo and make some money on it right? I could find someone to rent it I'm sure and put the extra down on the new house payment... IDK. I'm just torn. I've only lived here for a year so if I sell it I'm going to make NO money on it. None. I don't even think I'd make enough to put a down payment on the other house. IDK. I'm just very torn as to what to do... I could ask my Grandpa for the money for the dp but IDK if he'd give it to me or not. Then I'm faced w/ having to pay him back and that would take quite some time. So the question is WHERE am I going to get the money to do this?! I need some creative things here people!!! She told my Uncle she wanted $45,000 for the house which means I need $4,500, unless I can talk her down, but still. I'm still looking at at LEAST $4000. Ugh. Is there something I can sell? Something I can do at home to earn money? Any legit typing jobs out there that anyone knows of? IDK, if anyone has ideas, let me know. Thanks in advance.
So ya, this week sucks too. Big surprise huh? Tuesday when I got a raise I thought "Yay, this is going to be a good week". Ya right. My Aunt in FL called that evening to tell me that my Uncle passed away. He'd been sick for 2 years w/ cancer. He'd gone into remission once but it came back. Very sad. But I'm also glad that he's nto suffering anymore. After watching my Grandpa, I do NOT wish that on anyone. Terrible, terrible thing. So in a sense it's much better that he's passed. And maybe my Aunt can finally get her life back to normal for the first time in 2 years. I sure hope so. She's going to be bringing my Grandma back to her house in a few weeks. She's getting old too and I hate to keep putting it off and finding excuses as to why I can't visit. I need money for gas and for us to eat on the way down and back and that's about it. I hopefully can manage that. :) I did ask my cousin if her daughter L can come w/ us and I'd take her and Bug to the zoo. L's never been to a "real" zoo before (we don't have one here). I asked my Gma to let me know in advance when they're coming so I can make plans. Ok, so then today I go to start my car to bring Bug to school and drive myself to work and guess what?! IT DOESN"T FUCKING START AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! UGH. Talk about piss me off. I called my Uncle to pick up Stella for school and my cousin was already at work so I called her to come back and pick me up. Talk about irritating. Still won't start now. I'm hoping it's just a dirty cable again. Keep your fingers crossed!!!! Oh and keep them crossed that I can come up w/ the money for the house too!
On the flip side, my black eye is *almost* gone. ALMOST. Thank God!
Monday, March 26, 2007
What About Brian?Did anyone see that tonight? Freaking Season finale?! How can that be? It's only March. Ok, the end of March, but still IT'S MARCH!!!!!!!!! Anyway, that's not really my point. My point is that in the show Brian starts dating the tall, leggy, gorgeous blonde who is played by Stacy Keibler (sp?) from Dancing With The Stars. BUT, her friend, short, dark hair...the reliable one, the one that he can count on and he KNOWS he can count on her more so than Legs, has developed a crush on him. You can tell from the show that he sees her as the reliable one, even thought she's not a "trophy" like the leggy blonde. OMG! THAT is *so* me. THAT is SOOOOOOO my life. I was watching this tonight and (while their alone) he's telling her to go for what she wants and she's explaining WHY she doesn't and then he asks her what it is that she wants........ She looks at him dumbfounded and he realizes that it's HIM that she wants. Only, of course, he's dating Legs. And, of course, because men are pigs and they want the best of both worlds, he kisses her. Uh huh. At the end of the show he's w/ Blonde Leggy chick and his friends while 2 of the friends are renewing their vows on a beach. Season finale you know, so they HAVE to leave you hanging. It ends w/ Brian showing up on dark hair girls doorstep telling her that they have to talk. Ok, my first reaction is that he's going to tell her that he dumped Legs and wants to be w/ her. Then reality sunk in. He's freaking there to tell her that he CAN'T do this to Legs bc he really cares about her and wants to see where things are going to go. This is all PURE speculation on my part since it was SEASON FINALE. Fuckers. The nice girls that aren't tall, blonde and perfect almost NEVER get what they want. IDK....
Maybe this'll be the year that I bleach my hair and never leave the house w/o makeup on... Oh and I have to make sure I NEVER look frumpy and my hair has so much hairspray in it that it doesn't move in 50mph wind. And lip stick. I need to throw away the gloss and make sure I have lipstick in my purse at all times right?!
Have I told you today how much I hate movies? Seriously. I really do. All of them. They're very rarely how "real life" is. I mean, who wants to watch movies day after day that are completely untrue? Not me. Hell, the last movie that I actually went to see that wasn't a cartoon/Disney movie was "The Break Up" last summer. By myself. Ya, MYSELF. Isn't that fanfuckingtastic?!
Oh and while I'm ranting. My mom came to see Bug in her skating show yesterday(which I will post pics of another time) and stayed until intermission. My lovely sister also showed up w/ her fiance, daughter and fiance's mother. NEVER called me to see if I'd save them seats or what time I had to be there etc. Fiance's cousin was also skating which I'm SURE was the ONLY reason they were there. She walked by like she was surprised I was there. Whatever. I told her to keep an eye out for the fuchsia chiffon dresses that the older skaters were wearing and if she'd like me to see if I could borrow one of them for her wedding. Of course at Intermission she'd made the comment that she'd told her fiance the same thing when they came out in the dresses. I told her to watch the second half bc she'd have more than 1 to choose from. Anyway, my mom was in some serious pain yesterday. She was *so* lucky that she made it in bc her back went out on her again but she knew that she'd better come in to watch Bug skate or I'd be pissed. Uh... ya think!? Anyway, so bc she was hurting so bad I told her that it was ok if she didn't stay for the finale and watch her get her medal. Bug didn't know about the medal at all. I knew she'd just be SO excited. My dad was there on Saturday to watch but stayed until Intermission due to the fact that the show started at 630p and he had to be to work at 6p. He got there a little late. Anyway, my mom was in SO much pain that all she'd "eaten" was a Darvocet before she came into town. Well my dad calls when he came into work (at 5pm or so.. Keep in mind that the show on Sunday started at 2p and my mom left maybe around 3p) and asks if he can spend the night at my house when he got off of work bc he had meetings today and then had to work again tonight. I asked him if he told Mom that he wasnt' coming home and he said that he left her a note. HUH?! WHAT?! SHE WASN'T HOME!?!?!?!?! Ya, if she left around 3-330p she would have gotten home at 4-430p at the latest. My Dad probably left for work around 4-430p. He didn't pass her on his way in.... Interesting. She told me that she'd leave the jacket that she borrowed from me in the truck so that my dad could bring it to my house when he came in for work... He didn't drive that truck in since my mom had it and she wasn't home yet. He drove my Uncle's old rickity truck.... So I find out today that on her way in, my mom stopped at her friends house who also happens to be my co-worker bc she'd mentioned to my mom the other day that maybe she'll come in w/ her to watch the skating show. Well my mom came by herself. Apparently she stopped AT THE BAR on her way home w/ co-worker/friend. Isn't THAT fucking nice?! "Oh she didn't stay long" friend says as she realizes that she majorly FUCKED up. My mom's back hurt SO bad that she couldn't stay and watch the end of Bugs skating show and see how proud she was of herself. FUCK HER. FUCK MY FAMILY. I sat there for 2 days pretty much alone for 1/2 of both shows. As I'm sitting there I'm looking around seeing so many people there that are there to support the kids. Parents, Grandparents, Cousins, Friends, Aunts and Uncles. Bug had ME both days, my dad and cousin on Sat until Intermission and then my mom until Intermission on Sunday. How nice is that? My dad had a legit reason to leave as he had to be to work but my mom? I actually felt bad for her that her back had gone out again and she hurt so bad. Ya, bad enough to sit in the bar. Nice. My sister hasn't called since then. Haven't heard a peep out of her. She sent Bug down during a break in the show to ask if I wanted to sit w/ them WAY down at the end. I'd told them during Intermission that there would be room when mom left for them to sit in the middle w/ me but her reply was "Oh there probably won't be enough room". I wanted pics of Bug that I didn't get the day before and I was NOT going to sit at the end of the rink. WTF ever. I just feel bad for her. I mean, she's kind of used to it now but she had all these people telling her that they were going to come watch her skate and when she doesn't see them there and is sad about it I have to make something up about them being there and having to leave. This was a big thing for her. Her own fucking dad didnt' call her to see how things went. We called HIM on Sunday after the second show. Man, and he REAMED my ass last year when she was gone to camp w/ my parents on her brothers bday (they were off of school and I needed SOMEONE to watch her) and she didn't call him. He expected my parents to drive all the way to town to call him to say Happy Bday. He knows where they live and that they have no phone service, yet *I* was in the wrong and it was *my* fault that they were supposed to know to drive her all the way to town to call her brother and wish him a happy bday, which would have taken 2 seconds for a 30 min drive. Ya, that's worth it. Especially when he KNEW ahead of time that she was going to be out there. Whatever. Bitch at me bc of that yet he can't call his daughter to see how her show went. She also had a "heritage" project that she had to have done at school last week. I asked him MANY times, over a MONTH ago that she had this and asked him to get pics for me and to find out what his Grandparents names were since he has NO idea. (How do you not know what your Grandparents names are even if they were deceased before you were born!?) I know mine. In fact I can tell you the names of some of my Great and Great Great Grandparents names too. But bc her father is from Argentina and his entire family still lives there it was too hard for me to attempt to track down the names. He, of course, got on my case a couple days before the project was due and I asked him again to get the names for me. He didn't. Just pretended that I never asked for them. Never brought it up again. Didn't ask her how her project went. Nothing. I'm telling you. I'm SOOOOOOOOO sick and tired of people around me. Sick and tired that I am the only one that she has to rely on. Sick and tired that I have no one to rely on. I'm still pissed off that my mom was in so much pain that she had to go home, yet she was well enough to stop at the bar on her way. Fuck her. Fuck them. And she has nerve to bitch about my sister. Whatever.
Sorry about all of that. It started w/ a little thing about What About Brian and went into that. IDK how I got there, just know I just wrote a HUGE paragraph w/ grammical errors and a ton of run on sentences as well as the same thing over and over again. Oh well. That's what a blog is for right!?
Sunday, March 25, 2007
Animal QuestionI have been looking at dogs for quite some time now. Small dogs mostly. I'd LOVE to have one. My family (mom, dad) and my cousin think it's a HORRIBLE idea to get one. Absolutely horrible. They don't think I'm home enough. Mainly becuase I work during the day...
So today a friend of mine, who happens to be the mom of one of Stella's classmates, got a Pom. OMG is he CUTE!!!!! The woman that they got him from has ONE left. ONE. He's black and the runt... She said that the people already had the puppies paper trained. I figured that if I was to get a puppy I'd crate train. I think the only issue I'd really have is when I have to bring Stella to and from meeting her dad. Then I'd have to have someone come let him out etc. Otherwise, if I go see my friend in MQT and decide to stay the night I can bring him with me and the same goes for if I go to MN to see Angie again. IDK... Good idea or not?????? I'm so torn. I guess because I know ppl that work HAVE dogs. I don't think that just because I'm single and I work means that I cannot have a dog. Then again, I do understand where people are coming from also...
SO, what are YOUR thoughts on this????
Thursday, March 22, 2007
RecapAlright. This week.... Can't say that anything "wrong" has really happened. I guess my black eye (which isn't getting any better btw) is saying enough for me. I'm getting the "I wonder who beat her?" looks. Ya, it's great. The purple is still purple, which doesn't hurt at all but the top of my cheekbone is sore. That part is turning yellow. Yes, it sure is perdy.
Of course this had to be the week that I had to go to skating, gymnatics, the school for the social studies fair, a dinner to support some of my cousins that are in the International Club and are raising money to go to Italy next year, and then tomorrow for dress rehersal for the skating show, and then I have to be back to the rink at 0945 Sat morning even though the skating show isn't until 630pm on Sat. Ya, and then there's another performance at 2pm on Sunday. Ugh. Hopefully THEN my bruise will be gone! :) Here's the cute little costume she'll be wearing.
We're starting a lotto pool at work. 10 of us put in $2 today. Hey, it doesn't hurt. I figure even if we win something small, that's more than what I had when I woke up that morning right? I'd be happy winning $100. Hell, I'll take $50!!!
That's about it. I have had NOTHING exciting happen. Like at all. Boring. I even started doing some more of those "lists" from that site (Meosphere) I posted a week or so ago. I acutally got bored w/ the site after I'd posted a link to it on here. IDK, I guess only a few of the "lists" appealed to me and after I got done w/ them I was bored... Maybe I have ADD? 'Cause that site seems like it could keep anyone occupied for hours on end...
Sunday, March 18, 2007
Short week in reviewUgh. What a freaking week! Seriously. The hot tub is STILL frozen. I've been hacking at that trying to get it thawed out. It was 65 the other day and much of it melted but there is STILL ice in there. Of course now it's down at like 35 again. I hate the cold.
So on top of the hot tub, Sat night (a week ago) I kept hearing bump, bump, bump in the bathroom. Could NOT figure out where it was coming from. Sunday morning I was still hearing it but only in the bathroom area... Anyway, after much searching. It was the freaking water lines in the sauna!!!!!!!! Water was SHOOTING from the floor tot he ceiling. That went on for at least, oh about.... 15 hours. Ya, THAT water bill is going to be fabulous. I did drop off a note w/ my payment as to what happened to hopefully they'll adjust my bill. I'd thought that after he fixed the water lines in there that the water was shut off. I didnt' realize it'd been on all winter. WHY it chose to break on a 60 degree day as opposed to when it was -35 is beyond me. Fucker. Most people around here have outdoor saunas. Very rarely do they have the electrical ones in the house. Too many Finlanders up here. We do it old school! :)
Oh lets see, what else??? Car trouble. I had to replace a wheel baring last Friday night. At least my Aunt's fiance fixed it. Got off cheap there. The part was like $57 and then I gave him $50 for fixing it. Then on Sunday as S and I are leaving my Grandpa's house driving down the road my battery light comes on. Fanfuckingtastic. Got home and shut the car off. DUMB. Wouldn't turn back over. Ugh. Finally got it to start after waiting a couple minutes and it started so we took a ride to charge the battery a little bit. Monday morning, started no problem but the interior lights/dash kept going bright, dim, bright, dim on my way to work so I'm thinking my alternator is going. I called the Auto parts place where my cousin's fiance works and the part was $279 NOT including the labor to put it in. I had to leave at 3p to pick up S for skating and my car wouldnt' start. Ended up getting a jump and left it running the entire time we were at skating (I can do that here w/o worrying that someone is going to steal it-- nice perk!), finally shut it off at 5p when we got to gymnastics. No probs starting after that. Tues morning, different story. It was a no-go. I just stood in the living room in tears. Trying to figure out what I can sell at my house to fix my car. S didn't have school and was supposed to go to her cousin's for the day so I called my Uncle and he came and got her and let me use their extra vehicle. That was great!!!! Anyway, my cousin's hubby came up to my house later to look at it and my battery is in a f'd up place. It's right in front of my passenger side wheel well. The well has these "gill-like" slots, which ends up kicking salt etc, onto the battery. So needless it say it wasn't connecting like it should. He jumped it and drove it to his house and fixed 'er up for me. THANK GOD!!!!!!!!!!!! Ugh.
I bought a bike w/ the money I saved. Just a WM cheepie but at least Stella and I can go bike riding now. With my luck lately, I'll probably fall off and break something.
So last night my cousin G and I decide to go out since her hubby was gone. After trying to find a sitter a friend of mine called me back to tell me that she was getting a sitter for her kids and S was welcome to go there and spend the night. Thank God 'cause after this week, I REALLY needed a night out. S was ok w/ this and brought her over there. She was fine. She was good for about 45 min and then I get a vm on my cell w/ her basically hyperventalating. UGH!!!!!!!!! I couldnt' even understand her. I drove back up there and calmed her down and got her to sleep. It took me almost 1.5 hrs. I was NOT happy. But w/ the week I had I was NOT going home either. I wasn't giving in to her so that she coudl get her way. I told her I'd pick her sleeping butt up at 1230 and bring her home to sleep in her own bed. IDK what's going on w/ this since she's NEVER had a problem sleeping at anyone's house. Anyway, G and I left the bar and made it to a bar here for last call. (We'd been in the town across the bay.) Oh, and Boston was at the bar we were at too. Nice huh? hahaha. They left long before we did. Anyway, I decided to leave S at the friends house bc she was sleeping and I figured she'd be ok. We stop at the 2nd bar for last call and a fight breaks out. We got clobbered. We were sitting at the bar and one guy threw the other guy into all of us and G's head hit my face. Fantastic! I have a beer at G's house after bar closing and then go home. I get a call at 330am from my friend, S was having a fit and wanted to go home. Now she NEVER wakes up in the middle of the night. UGH. I was too intoxicated to pick her up so friend brought her home. I felt soooooo bad. S gets up this morning and says "Mom you have 2 lines on your face". "Uh huh... ok S". I get up and look in the mirror---
Doesn't that just figure!? Work, skating and gymnastics is going to be SO fun tomorrow!!!
When my dad stopped here before work I asked him to go to the store to get me a Coke. I really didn't want to go out looking like this. Everyone in town will want to know what happened. I told my dad that I'm going to email my mom w/ the pic and tell her that I ran into GNCT last night and called her a giraffe neck to her face and she clocked me so now I'm filing a PPO against HER! hahaah! She'll be so disappointed when she learns that the story behind it is so less interesting.
But how else was my week supposed to turn out? Perfect ending.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Like lists?Ok, I've had a rather shitty week. I could have been on "VH1's Worse Week Ever". Seriously. And it's only Wednesday. Whole slew of freaking issues between my house and car. Ugh. CALGON TAKE ME AWAY!!!!!!
Anyway, as I was checking a tracker thing on my myspace there was a little ad on the page that caught my eye. Normally I'm opposed to clicking on them because 9/10 it's nothing but junk. This one wasn't. It was something called Meosphere "Been There Done That". Really really cool. It's nothing but lists. Tons of lists!!! It says (as of today) that it's been 42 days since launch. IDK, but it's pretty cool. Seeing as I used to fly I've been stuck on all the airports. It's entertaining for those of us that need very little to keep our minds occupied. (EE, You'll LOVE it!!! Not that I'm calling you feeble minded or anything! :) It's just something that's "neat". I don't use that word too often either, but it suits the site.
Anyway, hope you're all well. For once you're getting a "normal" post from me and not some crazed, ranting, lunatic post!!! :) Even with all the bullshit going on. Imagine that?! IDK what's gotten into me. Anyway, here's the link for those of you that want to check it out!
http://www.meosphere.com/
Let me know what you think!
Monday, March 05, 2007
Growing PainsYesterday----
"Mommy, I have a growing pain".
"Oh no! Are you going to be ok?"
"Ya...... it's in my boob."
OMFG! Is she is not MY child!!!!!!!!!
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Drained...I feel drained. Emotionally. I think there's just too much stuff going on right now. I don't know why I care honestly, but I do. There probably isn't much point to reading this as it's SUPER long. I just needed to vent and right now I feel that this blog is the only place I can do that. Please feel free to continue on but it has taken me a VERY long time to write all of this so I'm refusing to re-read it searching for typos and grammer errors. :)
I had it out w/ my sister yesterday while I was at work. The kids had a snow day yesterday so S was at my Aunt and Uncle's house w/ their boys while I went to work. My Aunt called and said that my Grandpa's widow (GW) called and asked her if S was there and that she hadn't seen her for a long time and my dad had told her that she fell on the ice etc, anyway, she wanted my aunt to bring the kids up. She told her that she had some things to do so she wouldnt' be there for a couple of hours. Well she called back a bit later and told her that my sister and neice were leaving so maybe she could bring them up on Sat. Whatever. So now the kids can't go there unless my neice is there!? I'd called and left a msg for my sister and told her to call me when she got home from her Grandma's house. I asked her what the hell GW was talking about and why she'd called back after my sister was leaving to say they could do it another day etc? That just didn't make sense to me. Apparently when my sister talked to GW that morning, it was HER idea to call the kids to have them come up to play w/ my neice, not GW's. Whatever. What really bothered me was the fact that GW called my aunt talking about S and saying she hasn't seen her in so long etc. MY FUCKING PHONE NUMBER IS IN THE FUCKING PHONE BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only that, I was at my sister's on Tuesday night and she called. Do you think she asked ONE thing about me or S?! NO. NOTHING. Fuck her. She can call me. WTF is she thinking!? She's asking my aunt how MY daughter is doing and telling HER to bring S down there?! WTF is wrong with her?! I have been back in my hometown now for roughly 5.5 years. She has called me ONE, YES ONE, time in 5.5 years!!!! And that my friends, was to pick her drunken ass up from her sisters house and bring her home. So she can ask everyone in their brother how my daughter is doing but until she calls me herself I will NOT be bringing her over there. Like I told my dad the other day, she has to realize that he has TWO daughters and TWO granddaughters. I might not be biologically her Granddaughter but I was the FIRST grandchild. I was 2 years old. I was there before my sister or my two cousins. 3-4 years BEFORE they even came into the picture. I really don't understand what that woman has against me. I don't understand why she cannot accept me. I'm a good person. I work 40 hours a week. I'm not even 30 years old. I'm a single mother, and a damn good mother at that. I take care of my daughter. I bought my own house with my own money with NO help from anyone. I'm extremely independant and have never asked her for anything. My sister on the other hand has always been a big part of my Grandparents life. Growing up she was always with them. That's where she wanted to be. I rarely went with them unless I was forced. Even being that young, I realized the difference in the way that we were treated. If you're sibling is getting favored BIG TIME over you, why would you want to be around that? That is hard on a kid. My sister recently quit her bartending job. Her boss was being a real asshole to her. He's an alcoholic and I really don't blame her for quitting to be honest. BUT-- she is planning a wedding. She has a child. She has rent. She is engaged and she, her fiance and daughter all live in an apt. They are ALWAYS short on the bills and having to borrow money from people. They're careless in my opinion. I mean, she's not working yet the other day they both took off and got tattoos. I don't know how much they paid for them but I do know they're not exactly cheap. I'm sure at the end of this month they'll be complaining that they have no money and GW will come running to the rescue like always. Oh and just so you know, her fiance works in the meat dept at the local grocery store so you know he's not making a ton of money.
Fast forward back to the phone call with my sister yesterday. She gets VERY irritated with me when I say ANYTHING about her dear GW. All of a sudden during the conversation she says "I have to put my daughter down for a nap". UH WTF ever. She does NOT deal w/ confrontation AT ALL. So I just told her "Yep, go. Go do what you have to do. Whatever". Well she ended up hanging up on me and I sat there dumbfounded. I called her back and asked her why she hung up. She apoligized. I explained to her how all of this shit makes me feel. She gets daily phone calls, she gets anything she wants. I get nothing. I get asked through relatives how MY daughter is doing because for whatever reason my dear, sweet, loving grandmother won't call me herself. I just don't understand. So after I get my sister back on the phone yesterday she says something about how my uncle must've said something about the letter I'd written to him bc she mentioned somthing about it to my sister about a week or so ago. Told her that she didn't realize that she made me feel that way etc. (Although my sister didnt' go into a ton of detail either.) So my sister (MS) is defending her saying "she's trying to make things better". UH REALLY!? HOW? By telling my SISTER that she feels bad because she's made me feel the way I do!? FUCKED UP! I mean, how in the fuck is THAT supposed to make ME feel better?! Can you explain that 'cause I certainly don't get it. Don't get it AT. ALL. Fuck her. I mean, can MS NOT understand that by GW telling HER that she feels bad about the way I feel or whatever she said to her that it's not going to make anything better? WTF ever. She was so lucky that I was at work. Like I told her, I feel like I'm an outcast. I can see if I am a "bad" person but I'm not. I'm one of the most giving, loving people. I really am. Granted that I can be a bitch but I have a heart of gold. I'm not a drug addict, I don't leave S every single weekend so I can go out and drink and party it up. I work my ass off for what little bit I do have. I don't ask for shit from anyone. On the other hand, MS will bring GW up shopping at WalMart and GW will pay for EVERYTHING that she needs. Her entire shopping cart. But when it comes to me. She'll hang $17 over my head for pumpkin pies that I asked my SISTER to get me when she and GW went shopping for our family Thanksgiving dinner which SHE was invited to. Yet, when Grandpa was sick, I bought her a case of beer, Michelob Light at that which isn't cheap, and a carton of cigarretes which again, aren't cheap. But hey, Grandpa left her with a TON of money. She doesn't need to make an honest living. Like MS she's had everything handed to her since she and Gpa got married when she was 14. Fuck her.
So I've done a lot of thinking. I'm sick of being nice to people. Being there for people and getting trampled on. The same w/ my best friend and the wedding. I mean, if I was on someone's myspace page and they were bashing her, I would most definately say something. After all, she's my best friend and I'm not going to let people bash her. I don't really know how to explain myself to make you understand how I feel. I know that she loves me. I know that she's my best friend and I am hers. But what I don't understand is why neither of them have said to my ex bf "if your girlfriend is going to act childish and threaten PPO's on someone that was basically trying to say "hey I have no issues w/ you, can we put this behind us?", then she is not invited to the wedding". I guess I don't understand why it's ok for her to do this to me? I realize that she is her fiance's best friends gf, but what right does she REALLY have to be there? *I* am the bride's best friend and I just feel that by her telling me that she is "not going to take sides but will be there to listen to be vent" is not being a best friend. Maybe I am wrong. What would you do in that situation? Am I being childish? IDK, all I DO know for sure is that I am not making her pick so I am simply picking for her. I'm not going to the wedding. As long as GNCT will be there, I will not. I'm not going to ruin my bf's day by putting up with a bunch of petty, childish bullshit from a 37 year old woman who should know better. I'm just not doing it. I feel that by her being there to listen to me vent but not getting in the middle of it... that just makes me wonder where her loyalty lies. I did mention in the meail when I forwarded my correspondence with GNCT, that this was from her "friend". When she called me she said that GNCT is not her friends, she's and acquantance (sp?). Ok, so if that's all she is then WHY is she staying out of it and NOT backing her best friend? Dumb. Especially when she said that other day that I am the type of person that she knows if she needed me to drive 6 hrs all the way to MN bc she needs me, that I would drop whatever it was that I was doing and go there. Why would I do that for someone who will not stick up for me?! Why?
So on top of MS, GW and my BF... I've done a lot of thinking. Why do I get walked all over? Why am I so quick to help people out? Is it because I'm a people pleaser? Because I really don't feel that I am. I mean, no I do not like when people are upset with me, but on the other side, I really dont' care about the people who do not directly effect my life. When Grandpa found out he was sick, I walked into their house, hugged GW and told her "I know we haven't always been close but I hope you know I'm here for you". I didn't even get it all out of my mouth she stopped me with "Oh we are too!!!" Ok miss dilusional. I hugged her many times as I was walking out the door on different days and told her that I loved her and she would say "ok, bye". That's it. Of course MS tries to say that she does that to her too which I know is not true. When Gpa had to go for his biopsy and MS told me that GW didn't know if she wanted to go down there because they didn't know if he had to spend the night or not, *I* am the one that called and offered to drive her down there. (Even though she is only in her early 60's her vision is horrible and can't drive down there.) MS didn't offer to take the day off and bring her. No. *I* did. And she'd just hung up w/ MS and told her that she didnt' know what she wanted to do so I told MS I was going to call her. I hang up w/ her and call GW. I asked her "Are you going to MQT tomorrow w/ Gpa and uncle/cousin?" Her response "Why (in a sarcastic tone) wouldn't I?!". So I said "ok well I wasn't sure if you wanted to spend the night down there or not so I'm willing to take the day off of work to drive you down there and if he has to say we can come back anytime you want to". Her response to that "WHY would I want to do that?!". Like she just couldn't believe that I offered to do that. The tone of her voice was as if I asked her if she wanted to sell her house and live in a cardboard box. I sat there in udder amazement and once I picked up my jaw from the floor told her "well if you change your mind just let me know" and then I asked her to put my dad on the phone t which time I told him that I will NEVER be MS in that woman's eyes. EVER. Now the LAST thing I wanted to do was sit in a vehicle w/ that woman to the neighboring town which is about an hour and a half drive DOWN AND BACK!!!! But being who I am, I offer to do it for her because I feel sorry for her. I didn't even get a thank you for offering. Instead I was elimated from everything. She called MS (obviously) when Gpa was sick to come and visit and bring her daughter. She called my Aunt and Uncle to bring the boys over to see Gpa. No one called me. Not one single time. Instead I heard "oh I couldnt' go to sleep last night because I had COMPANY last night. Sarah was here w/ S". Now keep in mind this was the night my Gpa passed and I was there for MY DAD not her. S and I left around 915p that night. I also heard "Sarah was here for like 800 hours the other day". I visited my Gpa *maybe* 3-4 times before he passed because of her. I have pictures of him that I've taken and the only thing he gave me was a Sears commemerative pocket knife. He gave my sister a pocket knife (which was his dad's) as well as his father's rosary. That kind of hurt. Of course it crossed my mind that he gave her something sentimental bc she was blood and I wasn't. He never treated me differently than her. Not in my eyes anyway. Not until he died.
On the other side. The blood side. My sperm donor chose to leave me when I was 16 mos old. I was never really bitter about it until I became a mother. I just cannot imagine leaving my daughter. Or losing her. But whatever. This isn't about him. It's about his family. Now my Grandma has always been good to me. She took me for the first time when I was 3 years old. She took me all the way to her house downstate and I stayed for 10 days all by myself. She taught me so much about life. I grew up in an area where the majority of people are either Finnish or Native American. We have VERY few people of other nationalities and as a result there is quite a bit of racism. Even between the people that live in town and the Indian's that live on the reservation. It's very sad. My Grandma (GG) has always had an influence on my life. I may not agree with some things that she would say to me about my sperm donor but he was her son and I just smile and suck it up. I don't ask questions. I just let her talk. From the time I can remember she always volunteered at a big hospital in the town that she lives, whether it was the Information desk, the Pediatric unit, the Popcorn cart in the cafeteria, or the surgical lounge where families waited for their loved ones to come out of surgery. So at a very young age I met children who passed away at the hospital due to Lukemia or snother similar disease, people that lost thier loved ones due to heart surgery etc. Her best friend's name was Pinky and she was black. Now coming from a place where in my entire school there was 1 girl whose mom was white and her dad was black (I believe her mom was raped so her dad did not live here), I was never really around people of another race or color. I learned that there are "thugs" of every color, shape and size by being in the city w/ GG. People are not "bad" just because of their skin color. I worked at a soup kitchen with her one year when I was somewhere between 14-16 years old and realized how VERY fortunate I am for what maybe seem like little things to me. But what I have is HUGE to those that don't have anything. I do have a roof over my head. I do have shoes on my feet and food in my cupboard. I do have a car to drive. I am very fortunate. I may not have brand name clothes or money to go on yearly vacations but I am very fortunate for what I do have. I will never forget the things about live that she taught me. I was bitter with her kids for many years. I have an Aunt and an Uncle on "that" side of the family. My uncle (UG) and I have always been close as he lives her GG. My Aunt (AS) lives in FL. Every summer when I would visit GG my UG would come to see me. I never really heard from him during the year when I'd go home but always hear from him during the summertime. I'd write a letter to him here and there and sometimes I'd get a response. (My mom later told me that his wife responded to my letters so I'm not sure who it really was.) He was my buddy. We'd talk about the Pistons and play game after game until one of us was the "Game King" or "Game Queen" for the year until I'd return the following year. Well, of course when I turned 18 and had to get a "real" job in the "real" world, I wasn't able to take a month off here and there to visit. After all, it is about an 8 hour drive for me to get there. I took my sister with me the summer I turned 18. She was 13. That was the year that GW told her that we had different fathers. She didn't know until then. Not only that but why did GW feel it was HER place to tell my sister?! Anyway, she came w/ me and my Great Grandma was turning 99 or 100 that year. I'm not really sure, all I know was that she was OLD. (She lived to be 104 I think.) All the relatives were there and they were taking generation pics w/ Great Gma. I felt SO left out as I had a generation that was missing. That was the last year the GG "pretended" to be my sisters Grandma. She was her Gma from the time she was born up until I graduated and then the birthday cards stopped as well as the Christmas gifts. It was SO wrong of her to do. But like I told MS recently, she only saw her maybe 3 times her entire life. She didn't live in the same town as her... So our stories were a bit different. Anyway, I have a Grandpa that lives down there also. I used to see him in the summers too. He was there that summer I turned 18. I don't think I saw or heard from him again until I turned 21. My cousin Tony came up from Chicago and we grabbed some beer and drove to Grandpa's house for a visit and then went to the bar. I haven't seen or heard from my Grandpa since that day. It will be 9 years this summer. I'm not sure if he even knows that he has a Great Granddaughter. I dont know if he cares. He and my GG divorced when the sperm donor was only maybe 2 years old. My AS from FL was up a few years ago when I brought S down there. She and I kind of came to an agreement. I was very resentful towards her and UG for many years because I never heard from them. Just like my Grandpa. No phone calls, cards, email. Nothing. It was like I only existed when I was at my Grandma's house in the summer. I remember one time she called from FL. It was right around when Princess Diana died. She was pissed off because she hadn't heard from me in so long. That was the first time she'd EVER called me in MI. Uh, I was maybe 19 at the time. Why was it that it was up to me to have a relationship with them? She was the adult making "real" money. I didn't have money to make long distance phone calls. Yet, she was pissed off at me for not calling. Like I said, she and I made ammends a few years ago. My UG on the other hand. I'm not sure when our relationship fell apart. When I was younger it seemed although he cleared his schedule to spend time with me and now that I'm older and I'm at GG's house, and she always knows well in advance that we're coming, she says "UG is going to *try* to come and see you, you know he's just so busy." Ok whatever. So he and his "loving" wife (and I say that w/ my eyeballs rolled into my head and in the MOST sarcastic tone you can imagine) come up to see me. nothing I do is good enough for her. She's a twat on legs. A walking vagina. I cant' stand her. I really can't. My uncle would have made such a wonderful father but she never wanted children. She was too perfect. She is VERY articulate about EVERYTHING in life. He worked for GM and she worked as a head honcho for a temp agency which she and a friend later purchased and then turned around and sold. You may NEVER show up at their house unannounced. EVER. She ended up with some odd illness years ago where in a nutshell she is allergic to formaldehyde, which is in EVERYTHING. So she's had to go through all this bullshit because of it and totally re-do her life. As well as their house. They had to rip out all the carpeting, wood and what not that she had a reaction to. I bet this all started happening maybe 15 years ago. My uncle had to import MARBLE floors from ITALY after ripping out all the carpet. Their house isn't small by any means, but keep in mind that they both had GREAT jobs and never had children. What else do they have to spend their oodles of money on? Anyway, do you know that I have NEVER seen their house since it's been redone? Never. I've never been invited there. Like I said, it was probably 15 years ago that this all came about becuase I'll have been out of school 12 years this summer and I know it was before I graduated. But when my cousin Tony comes to visit (AS's son), there's like a big fucking bash. Everyone comes out of the woodwork to visit him. Relatives that I didnt' even know that I had. UG and his bitch of a wife go to GG's to have dinner and then another day that they all go to their house to Vag on legs can cook some elaborate dinner for them. I don't even get a birthday or even a Christmas card from them. And you cannot tell me that Vag doesn't send them out! I'm sure that she designs them herself, has them calligraphied a certain way and then stamped properly. The last time I heard from either of them was last fall. I'd gotten a letter from my GG before she left for FL for the winter. She'd been in the hospital but didn't elaborate in her letter as to why she'd been in there. I emailed my UG. No response so I emailed Vag on legs. She responded that GG was in the hospital overnight w/ pnemonia but that it was nothing and she'd have UG email me. Never heard from him. In the meantime I'd called AS in FL and got the scoop in GG and she'd been in the hospital for 3-4 days and was NOT GOOD. Nice. I emailed Vag on legs back and told her that I'd talked to AS and she told me what really happened and that she wasn't just in there for a freaking day like she said. You know, she is MY Grandma too. Ugh. Just so irritating. Did I ever tell you that no one bothered to call me when my Great Gma died at 104? I called GG one day (who would have been her daughter in law) and asked her how Grandma B was and she said "oh.". I said "oh?" and then she told me that she passed 3-4 weeks ago. UH WTF!? WHY wasn't *I* called ya know!? There were no arrangements or anything but still, why didn't anyone think to notify me? Anyway, I just really feel that I'm not really a part of that family. I'm keeping the peace until my GG passes an then I'm letting my UG and Vag have it. My AS and I, we're better now but I felt the same towards her for years. I'm ok w/ her now though. I still don't hear from her much but I do get the occasional letter or homemade stamped/embellished card that she's so into, which is nice. It's nice to know that you're at least thought about. Even if it is only a couple of times a year. I actually mailed them a Xmas card this year w/ a letter explaining that my Grandpa was dying etc. Never called me or anything. I half expected someone to but then I'm not really surprised that no one did.
So IDK. I guess I feel that I don't know where my place is. IDK who I can count on. I appreciate my Aunt and Uncle that are here. I was never really close w/ them till this year. It's nice that S can go to their house everyday after school or when it's cancelled. My sister would never take her every day and my parents live too far out of town. Sometiems i just feel that I don't have anyone that I can really count on. I have a few close friends but they have their own lives and the only good friend that I have here anymore is Jessica, but she is married w/ 2 kids and has a busy life. G and I aren't that close anymore. Granted that I do love her and would do anything for her but we've grown apart the last year or so. I have her daughter here now for the first time in MONTHS. I'm guessing it was probably last summer after S got home from her dad's house. IDK the last time that S stayed there. I just don't feel that I have many people to turn to sometimes. Is it because I really don't? Or is it because I am too independant to ask people for help? I'm always willing to help anyone out but I feel that when it's time that I need help, no one is there.
I think I'm too giving. I think that I'm too quick to offer my help. I think that I need to start using my head instead of my heart. Protect myself a bit. Quit being so..... "me". IDK. Maybe if I wasn't so giving or so eager to help people out I wouldn't feel like I'm being shit on. I wouldn't feel so empty. I really don't have anyone that I can say "Hey, can S stay at your house tonight because I have to do this?" Or "Can I drop off S so I can run and go Christmas shopping?" I finally ended up doing my xmas shopping like the weekend before bc I didn't know what to do w/ her and she's too old now for me to "really" shop w/ her. My cousin P was dropping her kids off at her friends house and she called her friend to see if S could stay there w/ her kids. I thanked her a million times. She still probably has no idea how much that meant to me. Even the day my Gpa died. No one offered to take S. I called G in the morning and dropped her off there for the majority of the day. I got a vm from her later sayinng that her daughter was going to her Gma's and that S could go w/ her and spend the night. I got a vm later saying that her daughter was going up there but I had to pick up S around 730-8p or something like that because she didn't want both girls. Now if that would have been me, I'd have kept my daughter at home and told her to be w/ her family and that her daughter could just stay at my house if my MIL wouldn't take both of them bc I'd know that she would need to be w/ her family. But no, she still sent her. Not sure what she and her hubby did that night. I just thought it was kind of selfish. When I needed her most, she wasn't there. And she was my best friend. I feel over the past year that I really don't know her anymore. Or is it that I dont' know myself? Idk. In that case, I think that she has been the one that changed and I refuse to throw myself at her. To "make" her spend time w/ me.
So idk, after writing all this I almost feel that I shoud go to counseling before I pull a "Britney Spears" and shave my head and lose my mind. I think I'm just doing a lot of soul searching. Trying to figure out who I am and why I get treated the way that I do. Why I'm so eager and willing to help out people that I shouldnt' because I know they'd never do it for me. Why I feel that I'm not even 50% accepted by either sides my dad's and sperm donors families. What it is that I've done. I think that maybe if someone, anyone, on either side or a friend was to stick up for me then maybe I'd feel better. But right now I just feel that very few people are truely on my side. Few people that have my back. I mean, my own father won't even say anything to his mother about the way that she treats me.... I guess these are things that I have to think long and hard about and try to figure out. I thought maybe by writing all this I'd feel better or things would be clearer but they're not.
Damn it.
