Just Another Bend In Journey of Life
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Drained...I feel drained. Emotionally. I think there's just too much stuff going on right now. I don't know why I care honestly, but I do. There probably isn't much point to reading this as it's SUPER long. I just needed to vent and right now I feel that this blog is the only place I can do that. Please feel free to continue on but it has taken me a VERY long time to write all of this so I'm refusing to re-read it searching for typos and grammer errors. :)
I had it out w/ my sister yesterday while I was at work. The kids had a snow day yesterday so S was at my Aunt and Uncle's house w/ their boys while I went to work. My Aunt called and said that my Grandpa's widow (GW) called and asked her if S was there and that she hadn't seen her for a long time and my dad had told her that she fell on the ice etc, anyway, she wanted my aunt to bring the kids up. She told her that she had some things to do so she wouldnt' be there for a couple of hours. Well she called back a bit later and told her that my sister and neice were leaving so maybe she could bring them up on Sat. Whatever. So now the kids can't go there unless my neice is there!? I'd called and left a msg for my sister and told her to call me when she got home from her Grandma's house. I asked her what the hell GW was talking about and why she'd called back after my sister was leaving to say they could do it another day etc? That just didn't make sense to me. Apparently when my sister talked to GW that morning, it was HER idea to call the kids to have them come up to play w/ my neice, not GW's. Whatever. What really bothered me was the fact that GW called my aunt talking about S and saying she hasn't seen her in so long etc. MY FUCKING PHONE NUMBER IS IN THE FUCKING PHONE BOOK!!!!!!!!!!!!! Not only that, I was at my sister's on Tuesday night and she called. Do you think she asked ONE thing about me or S?! NO. NOTHING. Fuck her. She can call me. WTF is she thinking!? She's asking my aunt how MY daughter is doing and telling HER to bring S down there?! WTF is wrong with her?! I have been back in my hometown now for roughly 5.5 years. She has called me ONE, YES ONE, time in 5.5 years!!!! And that my friends, was to pick her drunken ass up from her sisters house and bring her home. So she can ask everyone in their brother how my daughter is doing but until she calls me herself I will NOT be bringing her over there. Like I told my dad the other day, she has to realize that he has TWO daughters and TWO granddaughters. I might not be biologically her Granddaughter but I was the FIRST grandchild. I was 2 years old. I was there before my sister or my two cousins. 3-4 years BEFORE they even came into the picture. I really don't understand what that woman has against me. I don't understand why she cannot accept me. I'm a good person. I work 40 hours a week. I'm not even 30 years old. I'm a single mother, and a damn good mother at that. I take care of my daughter. I bought my own house with my own money with NO help from anyone. I'm extremely independant and have never asked her for anything. My sister on the other hand has always been a big part of my Grandparents life. Growing up she was always with them. That's where she wanted to be. I rarely went with them unless I was forced. Even being that young, I realized the difference in the way that we were treated. If you're sibling is getting favored BIG TIME over you, why would you want to be around that? That is hard on a kid. My sister recently quit her bartending job. Her boss was being a real asshole to her. He's an alcoholic and I really don't blame her for quitting to be honest. BUT-- she is planning a wedding. She has a child. She has rent. She is engaged and she, her fiance and daughter all live in an apt. They are ALWAYS short on the bills and having to borrow money from people. They're careless in my opinion. I mean, she's not working yet the other day they both took off and got tattoos. I don't know how much they paid for them but I do know they're not exactly cheap. I'm sure at the end of this month they'll be complaining that they have no money and GW will come running to the rescue like always. Oh and just so you know, her fiance works in the meat dept at the local grocery store so you know he's not making a ton of money.
Fast forward back to the phone call with my sister yesterday. She gets VERY irritated with me when I say ANYTHING about her dear GW. All of a sudden during the conversation she says "I have to put my daughter down for a nap". UH WTF ever. She does NOT deal w/ confrontation AT ALL. So I just told her "Yep, go. Go do what you have to do. Whatever". Well she ended up hanging up on me and I sat there dumbfounded. I called her back and asked her why she hung up. She apoligized. I explained to her how all of this shit makes me feel. She gets daily phone calls, she gets anything she wants. I get nothing. I get asked through relatives how MY daughter is doing because for whatever reason my dear, sweet, loving grandmother won't call me herself. I just don't understand. So after I get my sister back on the phone yesterday she says something about how my uncle must've said something about the letter I'd written to him bc she mentioned somthing about it to my sister about a week or so ago. Told her that she didn't realize that she made me feel that way etc. (Although my sister didnt' go into a ton of detail either.) So my sister (MS) is defending her saying "she's trying to make things better". UH REALLY!? HOW? By telling my SISTER that she feels bad because she's made me feel the way I do!? FUCKED UP! I mean, how in the fuck is THAT supposed to make ME feel better?! Can you explain that 'cause I certainly don't get it. Don't get it AT. ALL. Fuck her. I mean, can MS NOT understand that by GW telling HER that she feels bad about the way I feel or whatever she said to her that it's not going to make anything better? WTF ever. She was so lucky that I was at work. Like I told her, I feel like I'm an outcast. I can see if I am a "bad" person but I'm not. I'm one of the most giving, loving people. I really am. Granted that I can be a bitch but I have a heart of gold. I'm not a drug addict, I don't leave S every single weekend so I can go out and drink and party it up. I work my ass off for what little bit I do have. I don't ask for shit from anyone. On the other hand, MS will bring GW up shopping at WalMart and GW will pay for EVERYTHING that she needs. Her entire shopping cart. But when it comes to me. She'll hang $17 over my head for pumpkin pies that I asked my SISTER to get me when she and GW went shopping for our family Thanksgiving dinner which SHE was invited to. Yet, when Grandpa was sick, I bought her a case of beer, Michelob Light at that which isn't cheap, and a carton of cigarretes which again, aren't cheap. But hey, Grandpa left her with a TON of money. She doesn't need to make an honest living. Like MS she's had everything handed to her since she and Gpa got married when she was 14. Fuck her.
So I've done a lot of thinking. I'm sick of being nice to people. Being there for people and getting trampled on. The same w/ my best friend and the wedding. I mean, if I was on someone's myspace page and they were bashing her, I would most definately say something. After all, she's my best friend and I'm not going to let people bash her. I don't really know how to explain myself to make you understand how I feel. I know that she loves me. I know that she's my best friend and I am hers. But what I don't understand is why neither of them have said to my ex bf "if your girlfriend is going to act childish and threaten PPO's on someone that was basically trying to say "hey I have no issues w/ you, can we put this behind us?", then she is not invited to the wedding". I guess I don't understand why it's ok for her to do this to me? I realize that she is her fiance's best friends gf, but what right does she REALLY have to be there? *I* am the bride's best friend and I just feel that by her telling me that she is "not going to take sides but will be there to listen to be vent" is not being a best friend. Maybe I am wrong. What would you do in that situation? Am I being childish? IDK, all I DO know for sure is that I am not making her pick so I am simply picking for her. I'm not going to the wedding. As long as GNCT will be there, I will not. I'm not going to ruin my bf's day by putting up with a bunch of petty, childish bullshit from a 37 year old woman who should know better. I'm just not doing it. I feel that by her being there to listen to me vent but not getting in the middle of it... that just makes me wonder where her loyalty lies. I did mention in the meail when I forwarded my correspondence with GNCT, that this was from her "friend". When she called me she said that GNCT is not her friends, she's and acquantance (sp?). Ok, so if that's all she is then WHY is she staying out of it and NOT backing her best friend? Dumb. Especially when she said that other day that I am the type of person that she knows if she needed me to drive 6 hrs all the way to MN bc she needs me, that I would drop whatever it was that I was doing and go there. Why would I do that for someone who will not stick up for me?! Why?
So on top of MS, GW and my BF... I've done a lot of thinking. Why do I get walked all over? Why am I so quick to help people out? Is it because I'm a people pleaser? Because I really don't feel that I am. I mean, no I do not like when people are upset with me, but on the other side, I really dont' care about the people who do not directly effect my life. When Grandpa found out he was sick, I walked into their house, hugged GW and told her "I know we haven't always been close but I hope you know I'm here for you". I didn't even get it all out of my mouth she stopped me with "Oh we are too!!!" Ok miss dilusional. I hugged her many times as I was walking out the door on different days and told her that I loved her and she would say "ok, bye". That's it. Of course MS tries to say that she does that to her too which I know is not true. When Gpa had to go for his biopsy and MS told me that GW didn't know if she wanted to go down there because they didn't know if he had to spend the night or not, *I* am the one that called and offered to drive her down there. (Even though she is only in her early 60's her vision is horrible and can't drive down there.) MS didn't offer to take the day off and bring her. No. *I* did. And she'd just hung up w/ MS and told her that she didnt' know what she wanted to do so I told MS I was going to call her. I hang up w/ her and call GW. I asked her "Are you going to MQT tomorrow w/ Gpa and uncle/cousin?" Her response "Why (in a sarcastic tone) wouldn't I?!". So I said "ok well I wasn't sure if you wanted to spend the night down there or not so I'm willing to take the day off of work to drive you down there and if he has to say we can come back anytime you want to". Her response to that "WHY would I want to do that?!". Like she just couldn't believe that I offered to do that. The tone of her voice was as if I asked her if she wanted to sell her house and live in a cardboard box. I sat there in udder amazement and once I picked up my jaw from the floor told her "well if you change your mind just let me know" and then I asked her to put my dad on the phone t which time I told him that I will NEVER be MS in that woman's eyes. EVER. Now the LAST thing I wanted to do was sit in a vehicle w/ that woman to the neighboring town which is about an hour and a half drive DOWN AND BACK!!!! But being who I am, I offer to do it for her because I feel sorry for her. I didn't even get a thank you for offering. Instead I was elimated from everything. She called MS (obviously) when Gpa was sick to come and visit and bring her daughter. She called my Aunt and Uncle to bring the boys over to see Gpa. No one called me. Not one single time. Instead I heard "oh I couldnt' go to sleep last night because I had COMPANY last night. Sarah was here w/ S". Now keep in mind this was the night my Gpa passed and I was there for MY DAD not her. S and I left around 915p that night. I also heard "Sarah was here for like 800 hours the other day". I visited my Gpa *maybe* 3-4 times before he passed because of her. I have pictures of him that I've taken and the only thing he gave me was a Sears commemerative pocket knife. He gave my sister a pocket knife (which was his dad's) as well as his father's rosary. That kind of hurt. Of course it crossed my mind that he gave her something sentimental bc she was blood and I wasn't. He never treated me differently than her. Not in my eyes anyway. Not until he died.
On the other side. The blood side. My sperm donor chose to leave me when I was 16 mos old. I was never really bitter about it until I became a mother. I just cannot imagine leaving my daughter. Or losing her. But whatever. This isn't about him. It's about his family. Now my Grandma has always been good to me. She took me for the first time when I was 3 years old. She took me all the way to her house downstate and I stayed for 10 days all by myself. She taught me so much about life. I grew up in an area where the majority of people are either Finnish or Native American. We have VERY few people of other nationalities and as a result there is quite a bit of racism. Even between the people that live in town and the Indian's that live on the reservation. It's very sad. My Grandma (GG) has always had an influence on my life. I may not agree with some things that she would say to me about my sperm donor but he was her son and I just smile and suck it up. I don't ask questions. I just let her talk. From the time I can remember she always volunteered at a big hospital in the town that she lives, whether it was the Information desk, the Pediatric unit, the Popcorn cart in the cafeteria, or the surgical lounge where families waited for their loved ones to come out of surgery. So at a very young age I met children who passed away at the hospital due to Lukemia or snother similar disease, people that lost thier loved ones due to heart surgery etc. Her best friend's name was Pinky and she was black. Now coming from a place where in my entire school there was 1 girl whose mom was white and her dad was black (I believe her mom was raped so her dad did not live here), I was never really around people of another race or color. I learned that there are "thugs" of every color, shape and size by being in the city w/ GG. People are not "bad" just because of their skin color. I worked at a soup kitchen with her one year when I was somewhere between 14-16 years old and realized how VERY fortunate I am for what maybe seem like little things to me. But what I have is HUGE to those that don't have anything. I do have a roof over my head. I do have shoes on my feet and food in my cupboard. I do have a car to drive. I am very fortunate. I may not have brand name clothes or money to go on yearly vacations but I am very fortunate for what I do have. I will never forget the things about live that she taught me. I was bitter with her kids for many years. I have an Aunt and an Uncle on "that" side of the family. My uncle (UG) and I have always been close as he lives her GG. My Aunt (AS) lives in FL. Every summer when I would visit GG my UG would come to see me. I never really heard from him during the year when I'd go home but always hear from him during the summertime. I'd write a letter to him here and there and sometimes I'd get a response. (My mom later told me that his wife responded to my letters so I'm not sure who it really was.) He was my buddy. We'd talk about the Pistons and play game after game until one of us was the "Game King" or "Game Queen" for the year until I'd return the following year. Well, of course when I turned 18 and had to get a "real" job in the "real" world, I wasn't able to take a month off here and there to visit. After all, it is about an 8 hour drive for me to get there. I took my sister with me the summer I turned 18. She was 13. That was the year that GW told her that we had different fathers. She didn't know until then. Not only that but why did GW feel it was HER place to tell my sister?! Anyway, she came w/ me and my Great Grandma was turning 99 or 100 that year. I'm not really sure, all I know was that she was OLD. (She lived to be 104 I think.) All the relatives were there and they were taking generation pics w/ Great Gma. I felt SO left out as I had a generation that was missing. That was the last year the GG "pretended" to be my sisters Grandma. She was her Gma from the time she was born up until I graduated and then the birthday cards stopped as well as the Christmas gifts. It was SO wrong of her to do. But like I told MS recently, she only saw her maybe 3 times her entire life. She didn't live in the same town as her... So our stories were a bit different. Anyway, I have a Grandpa that lives down there also. I used to see him in the summers too. He was there that summer I turned 18. I don't think I saw or heard from him again until I turned 21. My cousin Tony came up from Chicago and we grabbed some beer and drove to Grandpa's house for a visit and then went to the bar. I haven't seen or heard from my Grandpa since that day. It will be 9 years this summer. I'm not sure if he even knows that he has a Great Granddaughter. I dont know if he cares. He and my GG divorced when the sperm donor was only maybe 2 years old. My AS from FL was up a few years ago when I brought S down there. She and I kind of came to an agreement. I was very resentful towards her and UG for many years because I never heard from them. Just like my Grandpa. No phone calls, cards, email. Nothing. It was like I only existed when I was at my Grandma's house in the summer. I remember one time she called from FL. It was right around when Princess Diana died. She was pissed off because she hadn't heard from me in so long. That was the first time she'd EVER called me in MI. Uh, I was maybe 19 at the time. Why was it that it was up to me to have a relationship with them? She was the adult making "real" money. I didn't have money to make long distance phone calls. Yet, she was pissed off at me for not calling. Like I said, she and I made ammends a few years ago. My UG on the other hand. I'm not sure when our relationship fell apart. When I was younger it seemed although he cleared his schedule to spend time with me and now that I'm older and I'm at GG's house, and she always knows well in advance that we're coming, she says "UG is going to *try* to come and see you, you know he's just so busy." Ok whatever. So he and his "loving" wife (and I say that w/ my eyeballs rolled into my head and in the MOST sarcastic tone you can imagine) come up to see me. nothing I do is good enough for her. She's a twat on legs. A walking vagina. I cant' stand her. I really can't. My uncle would have made such a wonderful father but she never wanted children. She was too perfect. She is VERY articulate about EVERYTHING in life. He worked for GM and she worked as a head honcho for a temp agency which she and a friend later purchased and then turned around and sold. You may NEVER show up at their house unannounced. EVER. She ended up with some odd illness years ago where in a nutshell she is allergic to formaldehyde, which is in EVERYTHING. So she's had to go through all this bullshit because of it and totally re-do her life. As well as their house. They had to rip out all the carpeting, wood and what not that she had a reaction to. I bet this all started happening maybe 15 years ago. My uncle had to import MARBLE floors from ITALY after ripping out all the carpet. Their house isn't small by any means, but keep in mind that they both had GREAT jobs and never had children. What else do they have to spend their oodles of money on? Anyway, do you know that I have NEVER seen their house since it's been redone? Never. I've never been invited there. Like I said, it was probably 15 years ago that this all came about becuase I'll have been out of school 12 years this summer and I know it was before I graduated. But when my cousin Tony comes to visit (AS's son), there's like a big fucking bash. Everyone comes out of the woodwork to visit him. Relatives that I didnt' even know that I had. UG and his bitch of a wife go to GG's to have dinner and then another day that they all go to their house to Vag on legs can cook some elaborate dinner for them. I don't even get a birthday or even a Christmas card from them. And you cannot tell me that Vag doesn't send them out! I'm sure that she designs them herself, has them calligraphied a certain way and then stamped properly. The last time I heard from either of them was last fall. I'd gotten a letter from my GG before she left for FL for the winter. She'd been in the hospital but didn't elaborate in her letter as to why she'd been in there. I emailed my UG. No response so I emailed Vag on legs. She responded that GG was in the hospital overnight w/ pnemonia but that it was nothing and she'd have UG email me. Never heard from him. In the meantime I'd called AS in FL and got the scoop in GG and she'd been in the hospital for 3-4 days and was NOT GOOD. Nice. I emailed Vag on legs back and told her that I'd talked to AS and she told me what really happened and that she wasn't just in there for a freaking day like she said. You know, she is MY Grandma too. Ugh. Just so irritating. Did I ever tell you that no one bothered to call me when my Great Gma died at 104? I called GG one day (who would have been her daughter in law) and asked her how Grandma B was and she said "oh.". I said "oh?" and then she told me that she passed 3-4 weeks ago. UH WTF!? WHY wasn't *I* called ya know!? There were no arrangements or anything but still, why didn't anyone think to notify me? Anyway, I just really feel that I'm not really a part of that family. I'm keeping the peace until my GG passes an then I'm letting my UG and Vag have it. My AS and I, we're better now but I felt the same towards her for years. I'm ok w/ her now though. I still don't hear from her much but I do get the occasional letter or homemade stamped/embellished card that she's so into, which is nice. It's nice to know that you're at least thought about. Even if it is only a couple of times a year. I actually mailed them a Xmas card this year w/ a letter explaining that my Grandpa was dying etc. Never called me or anything. I half expected someone to but then I'm not really surprised that no one did.
So IDK. I guess I feel that I don't know where my place is. IDK who I can count on. I appreciate my Aunt and Uncle that are here. I was never really close w/ them till this year. It's nice that S can go to their house everyday after school or when it's cancelled. My sister would never take her every day and my parents live too far out of town. Sometiems i just feel that I don't have anyone that I can really count on. I have a few close friends but they have their own lives and the only good friend that I have here anymore is Jessica, but she is married w/ 2 kids and has a busy life. G and I aren't that close anymore. Granted that I do love her and would do anything for her but we've grown apart the last year or so. I have her daughter here now for the first time in MONTHS. I'm guessing it was probably last summer after S got home from her dad's house. IDK the last time that S stayed there. I just don't feel that I have many people to turn to sometimes. Is it because I really don't? Or is it because I am too independant to ask people for help? I'm always willing to help anyone out but I feel that when it's time that I need help, no one is there.
I think I'm too giving. I think that I'm too quick to offer my help. I think that I need to start using my head instead of my heart. Protect myself a bit. Quit being so..... "me". IDK. Maybe if I wasn't so giving or so eager to help people out I wouldn't feel like I'm being shit on. I wouldn't feel so empty. I really don't have anyone that I can say "Hey, can S stay at your house tonight because I have to do this?" Or "Can I drop off S so I can run and go Christmas shopping?" I finally ended up doing my xmas shopping like the weekend before bc I didn't know what to do w/ her and she's too old now for me to "really" shop w/ her. My cousin P was dropping her kids off at her friends house and she called her friend to see if S could stay there w/ her kids. I thanked her a million times. She still probably has no idea how much that meant to me. Even the day my Gpa died. No one offered to take S. I called G in the morning and dropped her off there for the majority of the day. I got a vm from her later sayinng that her daughter was going to her Gma's and that S could go w/ her and spend the night. I got a vm later saying that her daughter was going up there but I had to pick up S around 730-8p or something like that because she didn't want both girls. Now if that would have been me, I'd have kept my daughter at home and told her to be w/ her family and that her daughter could just stay at my house if my MIL wouldn't take both of them bc I'd know that she would need to be w/ her family. But no, she still sent her. Not sure what she and her hubby did that night. I just thought it was kind of selfish. When I needed her most, she wasn't there. And she was my best friend. I feel over the past year that I really don't know her anymore. Or is it that I dont' know myself? Idk. In that case, I think that she has been the one that changed and I refuse to throw myself at her. To "make" her spend time w/ me.
So idk, after writing all this I almost feel that I shoud go to counseling before I pull a "Britney Spears" and shave my head and lose my mind. I think I'm just doing a lot of soul searching. Trying to figure out who I am and why I get treated the way that I do. Why I'm so eager and willing to help out people that I shouldnt' because I know they'd never do it for me. Why I feel that I'm not even 50% accepted by either sides my dad's and sperm donors families. What it is that I've done. I think that maybe if someone, anyone, on either side or a friend was to stick up for me then maybe I'd feel better. But right now I just feel that very few people are truely on my side. Few people that have my back. I mean, my own father won't even say anything to his mother about the way that she treats me.... I guess these are things that I have to think long and hard about and try to figure out. I thought maybe by writing all this I'd feel better or things would be clearer but they're not.
Damn it.
