Just Another Bend In Journey of Life
Sunday, February 04, 2007
Monthly recapHi guys. OMG, I don't even know where to start to be honest. I'm guessing that this is going to end up being one long post. You know how I babble on a normal basis. I'm really going to try to get on here more often. Just seems lately that there are not enough hours in my day...
I guess I'll start that my Grandpa passed 5 weeks and 3.5 days after he told us he was dying of cancer. January 13th at approximately 330am in my dad's arms. I cannot imagine one of my parents passing as I am holding them... I'm very grateful that he is not in pain anymore as it got really bad towards the end. I would not wish that on my worst enemy. He had his biopsy done on Tuesday and he went right downhill from there. He was gone on Saturday morning. So sad to see someone that has always been strong as an ox in the condition he was in. He would not have wanted to live like that so I am very thankful that God took him home. I was praying everyday that he would. He was a good man and did not deserve to live like that. I haven't had a meltdown yet... I seem to think that I did all of my grieving in the beginning, after we found out he was sick. I'm sure one of these days I'll loose it. Probably when I go to camp, since that was his very most favorite place on Earth. He chose to be cremated and did not want any services. This spring we are having a memorial for him at his camp and the following day my dad, uncle and I'm not sure who else, will climb up a mountain to his favorite place to sprinkle his ashes and carry out his final wishes. I can't remember if I told you before but I wrote my Grandpa a letter not long after we were told of his condition. I thanked him for being my Grandpa. I thanked him for taking me under his wing when my mom met my dad and for never treating me any differently from my sister. I thanked him for driving all the way out to VA with my parents when S was born. I recalled the look his his eyes when he first laid eyes on her. How proud he was of me. So many wonderful memories. There were many other things in the letter. It was a page and a half typed. I realize that this was very impersonal, as I explained to him, but I wanted to make SURE he understood and was able to read every single word that I had poured out of my heart instead of deciphering my handwriting. It was very important to me that he know exactly how I felt. I left the letter in a sealed envelope on his table. The reason I didn't say all of the things that I needed to say to him in person was because I didn't want any interruptions or for him to stop me from saying anything. I called his house the next day or the day after and he answered the phone. He thanked me for the letter. I told him that I needed for him to know how I felt. I told him that I am very proud to have his last name. For those of you who do not remember, he is not my biological Grandpa, but he has always treated me as such. There was never a doubt in my mind. My mom and dad married when I was 3.
As a result of my Grandpa passing there has been SO much family drama I don't even know where to begin. My "uncle" M (he is actually a cousin but he and my dad were such good friends growing up that I've always called him uncle), budded himself into everything. He and my Grandma are ice fishing buddies. He's always over at their house. UM and I have always had a fairly good relationship. We drifted apart for quite a few years but then reconnected shortly before all this happened. He's a very "odd" person. After his father died, he pretty much banished all of his brothers and sisters, as well as his own mom, from his life. That's another book in itself. Anyway, people in the family felt that they could not stop to see my Grandpa in the final weeks because UM was always there. My other Uncle (UF) and my dad felt the same way. They wanted some alone time with their father but he was always there. Anyway, the day that Grandpa passed, he was at the house as well as everyone else in the family. Everyone was doing ok. I think we were sad that he was gone but we were also thankful that he was not suffering anymore. UM is a drama queen (no he's not gay, but nonetheless a drama queen). He's always bitching, pissing and moaning about something. He thinks he's right about everything. When Gpa told us that he was dying, UM hounded him over and over as well as bitched to us about how he needs a second opinion etc. Gpa didn't want that. He didn't want a second opinion. He didn't want chemo or radiation. He accepted his fate. Respect his wishes was all I kept telling him. This is HIS life, not ours. We are being selfish for telling him what he "should" do. We need to respect him as he has respected us all these years. Anyway, the day that he passed, we were all over at Gpa's house. I walked into a conversation he was having with my sister. He was on the couch and she was on a chair in the basement. He was complaining about Dr's and what not. I just stopped in my tracks and told him that I firmly believe that we all have a time and there is nothing we can do about it. Our fate is our fate. He corrected me and said that "Dr's (grumble grumble, blah blah blah). To be honest I really didn't' listen to what he said. I simply turned around, looked him straight in the eyes and said "and today is not the day". He was flabbergasted. He got up and went upstairs mumbling something and a minute later came back down and found his jacket. I walked up to him and explained that I wasn't trying to be a bitch but... He put his jacket on, went back up the stairs and walked right out the door. I was floored, yet not surprised. I didn't say anything that no one hadn't wanted to say to him for weeks, I just had the balls to say it to his face. It's been about 3 weeks and I still have not heard from him. I'm sure he'll hold this grudge against me for the rest of his life, just like he does with everyone else. It's been about 5 or 6 years, for the record, since he's talked to his mom or siblings... I've thought about writing him a letter. There is always some letter in the newspaper from him voicing his opinion about things that he doesn't even know about, yet when someone says something to him that he doesn't like, he turns into a little crybaby sissy boy. And he's 46 years old. You know, he's going to get old, my Grandma is eventually going to pass away and he's going to be alone. He's never been married, hasn't had a girlfriend in years. He's going to be alone. Alone and wishing that he hadn't alienated everyone that was close to him in his life and it's going to be no one's fault but his own. I really did nothing wrong. But he needs to realize that he isn't' hurting MY feelings by not talking to me, he's hurting S's. Does he care? No, not really. He has my Grandma. One of two friends he actually has.
On to my Grandma. Actually, she doesn't deserve a capitalization. She doesn't even deserve to be called grandma. I'll call her gg for lack of any creativity right now. I do have some other choice words for her but I'll keep them to myself for the time being. During the time that Grandpa was sick, I would occasionally stop at their house to visit. There was one day, it was a Thursday and I had a dentist appointment. This would have been maybe a week and a half before he passed. He was supposed to go for a biopsy the following day, which actually turned out to be a consultation. Anyway, I stopped there after my appt to visit him. He was going through pictures and things. Getting things in order for when he was gone. I was there for a little while. He needed his x-rays from the hospital so I offered to get them for him. He was still in good shape at this point but going downhill. You could tell that he was in pain and his speech was starting to get slurred and difficult to understand. I picked up his x-rays and called work to let them know that I was visiting him and that I'd be there when I get there. After all, every minute that I didn't spend with him was time lost. Work can wait. Anyway, I stayed there with him for a little while longer before going to work. I think I stayed until noon so I was there for maybe 2- 2.5 hours. I heard a few days later that gg made the comment that I was there for "800 hours" that day. Fucking bitch. I heard many other things that she has said about me in the past month or two. She has made comments about me calling my sisters cell phone when she brings gg to the neighboring town shopping and what not. Now, WHY would that annoy her? She tells her to shut her phone right off so she doesn't have to talk to me!!! My sister would never admit this to me but I've heard things from so many people. gg would call my sister to bring her 2 year old daughter there everyday to see Grandpa. She would also call my Uncle ( my dad's brother) to bring his sons up there to see Grandpa. Do you think the bitch called me ONE time to bring S up there? No. Not once. Didn't even tell someone else to tell me to bring her there. They used to have Friday fish frys at their house, she and UM, I'd NEVER get a call to come up and get fish. NEVER. So the Friday before my Grandpa passed, S and I were there visiting my dad. He came to town on Wednesday and didn't leave until Grandpa passed away. My Aunt and cousin were also there that day. There is a stairwell that goes up to the attic that my sister and her friends wrote on as kids and S and D (cousin) wanted to write on it and gg had a FIT. When the kids asked here if they would write somewhere else she started telling them "it's bedtime, it's bedtime" over and over again. I heard the following day that she didn't get ANY sleep that night because S and I were there VERY LATE. Uh, we were home by 930p. Not only that, we were there for my dad NOT for her. NOT FOR HER. After all the horse shit I've heard from her mouth. Fuck that shit. Yes, I feel bad for her. I do. She was 14 when she and my Grandpa got married. She turned 15 a month later and my Uncle was born 5 months after they married. They would have been married for 49 years this April. She went from playing Barbie's with her sisters to being a mom. She never had to do anything, never had to worry about anything, my Grandpa did everything for her. While they lived separate lives at the end, they were still married. I never heard a bad word from either of them about each other. He lived at camp and she lived at the house in town. He came in all the time to make sure that the bills were paid and that she was ok etc. He was retired and he wanted to be at camp. Anyway, even the day he passed, I tried helping her out but nothing I did was right. When my sister came, everything changed. Once I picked up S, broke the news to her as to what was going on, and brought her to the house where everyone was, she hugged gg and then hugged her again and asked her if she could give that one to Grandpa. She didn't even shed a tear. My mom and I both asked what S had said and she looked at my mom and told her but didn't acknowledge me. I did not hug her when I left and I do not feel bad about it. She has ALWAYS treated me differently from my sister. ALWAYS. I remember feeling that way since the day she was born. I was 5 years old so I had been a part of their lives for 3 years already as I was about 2 when my parents met. In fact, when UM was still talking to me, I'd told him about my being at the house for "800 hours" and he defended her until I explained to him how I felt and how she's called everyone BUT me to come up there to see Grandpa. Then he told me that she had asked him not long prior, why he favors me over my sister?! Are you fucking off your rocker lady!? I mean, does she NOT realize how she treats me and S? I noticed this summer, when my sister was watching S for me and they were all over at gg's house, how differently she treats S compared to my niece. My niece can do no wrong, just like my sister but she treats S so differently. It's so unfair. She has no use for me. Since Grandpa has passed, I have not been there nor have I called her. She hasn't asked anyone about me or S. Fuck her. That's all I can say. One day, when everything settles, shit is going to hit the fan and I'm going to let her know how I feel and how wrong it is. How she has alienated me from them for most of my life. Even her siblings has questioned why she has done that. Psycho. Oh, and to top things off, she told my dad just this week that he and my Uncle have to go through all of Grandpa's clothes or she's bringing them to Goodwill. Grieving widow huh?! FUCK HER. Ya, all THAT is just the icing on the cake to be honest.
The love life is still sucking. Nothing really new to report on that. Boston went back to his ex gf, which I can't blame him. I mean, I've been there and I understand. Although I do not understand why he handled it the way he did. His actions were that of a boy and not a man. He had no intention of talking to me as he claimed he was going to. So yes, I was a bit upset about that. I'm over it. I have to be. He was a great person though and I really enjoyed my time with him. Oh well. Things didn't go anywhere w/ the guy that I ran into on NY's. S was gone and I kind of asked if he wanted to do something but w/ everything going on w/ Gpa it just didn't pan out and things were idle. There is a guy from another town that has been contacting me via Myspace. Actually I contacted him first becuase when the girls and I had gone out this summer, we were calling the police dept down there trying to get someone to bring us Taco Bell. Becky's boyfriend works there so it was ok. Anyway, I didn't realize it was "this" guy that we were trying to call so I emailed him and apoligized for being drunken assholes etc. Come to find out that we never did get a hold of him and the guys that we were talking to wouldn't give us his cell number. Anyway, so we've been chatting. He wanted to come here for drinks on Friday but plans fell through. I was leary of it anyway. He was engaged and they broke off the engagement. I know they were living together but I'm not sure if she's moved out or not. B's trying to get the scoop on that for me. However, I KNOW they are NOT together. On the flipside, I think he's "dating" and trying to figure out who he is. I'm not sure how involved he is with one girl in particular that leaves comments for him on MS all the time. I don't feel it's my business to ask but I see "Disaster" written ALL over it. I see Boston 2 all over it. I mean, there is no harm in having a drink or two and getting to know someone but if he IS seeing this other girl, I dont' want to be stepping on anyone's toes ya know? Ya, so that's all I got for you in that dept.
S is my big girl. In December she told me that she wanted to put her hair in a ponytail and go to the local salon and cut her hair to make someone a wig. I'd talked this over w/her dad and he agreed to let her do it but asked that I wait until she got back from his house. Absolutely. So I made an appt for her and she cut off 10" of her hair and donated it to Locks of Love. I'm so very proud of her!!! She loves her new hair cut. I'm still getting used to it. I miss the curls. Her hair now has less wave than mine.
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In other S news, she FINALLY lost her first tooth Thursday!!! It had been HANGING in her mouth for at least a week but she was too chicken to pull it out. The toothfairy left her a couple of dollars and she woke up disappointed that she didnt' get quarters!!!! "Mommy, isn't the TF supposed to leave quarters?!". I explained that paper money was worth more... Ugh kids. And here begins the gangly stage!
Well I think that's about it. Not that that wasn't enough for you to read! :) If i think of more I'll have to add on! :)
I hope you're all well. I'm sick of winter. It's -9 right now. Not to mention the windchill. It was supposed to be -30 with the windchill overnight this weekend. Thank God we stayed home!!! :)
