Just Another Bend In Journey of Life
Sunday, November 26, 2006
Emotions SuckHave I told you that lately? They really do suck. From the highest high to the lowest low. Sometimes I wish that I wasn't like I am. Sometimes I wish that I could be more like folks I know that don't let their emotions get the best of them.
I've been emotional all day today for various reasons. One, I guess is that I'm not sure where the Boston thing is going. I feel very confident about it at times and then at other times I'm so scared. Scared because I know it's a good thing. Scared because I don't want my heart broken again. I hate heartbreak. Not that I know of anyone that really enjoys it... It just sucks. I hate the unknown. I hate the fact that he and the ex-girlfriend haven't been broken up very long. I mean, is he going to freak out one day and realize that he should have taken some time for himself before hooking up with me? It seems silly of me to think that since he's told me many times over the course of the past week or so that he wonders what it would've been like had we met sooner. I just don't know. What I do know is that I'm over analizing and I need to stop. I need to let fate work it's course and just let it be. Anyone that knows me knows that I'm very "selective" when it comes to who I date. I know what I'm looking for, what I'm interested in. It's not about looks, it's about who a person is on the inside and what they stand for. What their values in life are...
In other depressing news... I was sitting here watching the dumb ass Hallmark Sunday night movie. They get me every single time. It makes me think back to High School when my best friend Shannon and I would call each other on Sunday nights and not talk. We'd just sit on the phone and watch the show together. We'd talk during commercials and then always cry at the end. Never failed. Tonights movie, I only paid half attention to because I knew it'd be a tear jerker like always. It was about a mom that was sick and moved back to her hometown with her 11 year old son. Of course she eventually passes away and the son learns things about life etc. That sparked my memory back to Thursday night. My mom had a bit too much wine but for some reason someone said the date and she looked at me and told me that it'd been 27 years since the sperm donor died. This pisses me off. Not that she said it but the older I get the more pissed off I get about it. I'm a mom now. I do not understand how you leave your child. How can your life be that fucking bad that you put a gun to your fucking head in front of your house and fucking pull the trigger and leave your little, innocent baby girl behind? No good bye, not even a fuck you. Nothing. I have nothing. Now, don't get me wrong, I love my dad with all my heart. Oh, understand the man who gave me life is my SPERM DONOR, he was never and will never be my dad. EVER. He chose to leave me. He chose to not be there for me while I was growing up. He chose to never see me walk, speak, ride a bike, decide what foods I liked or disliked, graduate, get married, meet his grandchildren..... Fuck him. Fuck him! The dad that I have now is my dad. He's the only dad I have ever known and as far as I'm concerned HE was there when I was born. But, on the other fucked up hand, do you know how much it sucks that you don't know where you came from biologically? Do you know how it feels to know that you have never and will never look into someones eyes and see yourself? I have no idea what traits I have. I have no idea of anything. Yes, I've seen pictures and I know things about him, both good and bad, but *I* never have that luxury to see for myself. If he died because he was physically sick or for whatever reason I don't think I'd be as bitter as I am right now. What he did was selfish. Purely selfish. You just don't do that to your child. I'm not upset that my mom thought out loud. I'm just upset. Period. I try making it a point not to think about him. I don't know any dates. I know that he died in November and was born in January. That's all I know. I think my mom married him in January too but that I'm not sure about. I do wear the wedding ring that he gave my mom on my thumb. Even though I'm a cold hearted bitch about the situation, that's the one thing that I have. The one thing that reminds me of where I came from. I doubt I'll ever take it off. I've worn it for years. Well actually, my mom had it for a while but I took it back. Long story there, don't ask. The other items I have... Some military items. His glasses and his watch, which I'm assuming he had on when he bit the bullet. Some other miscellanious items. A briefcase which contains more misc shit as well as cards from his funeral. Why my mom kept that I have no idea. Oh, I also have his flag from the coffin.
I hope that one day I will be able to forgive him. When I was younger it didn't bother me much. I knew I came from someone else but never really thought about it much. Now that I'm a mom, I'm just pissed off. It's one of those forgive and forget things, only I can't forgive and I try my damnest to forget. His family pisses me off too which is a whole other post. My Grandma is a good lady and she has my utmost respect. She was always good to me. In fact I would spend my summers with her downstate. She taught me a lot about life. She's starting to lose it. I should really write her a letter and tell her how much I appreciate her before she forgets who I am...
Well I that's all I have. I got that out and now I'm going to go back to forgetting. Sometimes I really think I need therapy because I'm sooooo fucking bitter. Some days I do well with it, although tonight was not one. Every time I see a movie about a parent dying and there are kids involved and what they do to prepare the kids I get pissed. Actually, pissed isn't really the right word. I'm just full of emotion. I get sad, then angry, then just blah.
Wow, two posts from me today... Imgaine that?!
