Just Another Bend In Journey of Life
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
Morals?Have you ever done something that you knew was wrong but you did it anyway because of pure selfish reasons? And then didn't get the outcome you wanted, knowing that you shouldn't feel bad about it since you knew it wasn't right in the first place?
I really have nothing today...
Got some flowers at work. That was interesting. When I looked at the envelope the card was wrapped in I immediatly assumed I knew who they came from.... then I opened the card. My sisters friend who is about 24 or 25 maybe has been infatuated with me for a couple of years now. Don't get me wrong, he is a nice guy but he's young. I'm done with the partying and sitting my ass at the bar night after night because I have nothing else to do. I'd rather sit home in front of the tv by myself or go visit a friend. On top of that he's young and has no idea what he wants out of his life. I, on the other hand, am not so sure that I want anymore children. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter to death and would not trade her for anything in the world, I just dont' miss the "baby" stage. I dont' miss changing diapers or hauling 3 bags, a car seat and the other millions of things that go along with a baby whenever you want to go anywhere. My daughter is 5 years old. She can feed herself, get herself dresses, wipe her own butt (thank God!) and all of the little independant things that they learn to do at this age. It's SOOOOO nice! Maybe it's because I've been a single mother since she was 10 months old? Maybe it's because I didn't even have any help when we lived w/ her dad. Or maybe it's because I just don't have the energy to put into it anymore. I know that I do not want to be a single mother with 2 kids. That much I know for SURE! So, lets say that I meet someone within the next year, that puts me at 29, then we have to date for a period of time... lets say 3 years, that puts me at 32, then we decide to get married within that year so I'll be 32-34 or so. I am not going to start all over having babies when I'm 35 years old!!! I refuse to do it. I'll be roughly 40 when S graduates. Ok, so if I have another one she'd be graduating and I'd just be putting the other one in kindergarten!? I don't think so! I want my independance. I want to be able to do what I want to do. I want to be a young mom. Yes, this sounds very selfish but it's true. I've thought long and hard about this. When my last bf and I were together, I wanted so badly to have his babies. I would have had another 3-4 of them. No joke. Well, that was 3 years of a "learning" period in my life. I don't regret it, but I knew early on that he had no intention of spending his "forever" life with me. So why didn't I call it quits well before then? Becuase I'm a woman and I'm dumb. I thought I could change his mind and make him love me. Or learn to love me deeper than what he was capable of. Ok, so lets say that that happens again... ya, then I'm in the same boat I'm in now. I guess I just don't look too brightly at my future with someone. Maybe that's why I choose men that are older, that know what they want out of life..... That's my guess. They have their shit taken care of and out of their system. I've always dated older men. Hell, S's dad is 14 years older than me! Yep, he robbed the cradle. So anyway, off of my tangent... the flowers weren't from my sisters friend like I thought they were. He and I had a good time Sat night at the bachelor/bachelorette parties (they ended up merging by the end of the night), he was fun to hang around with and nice to talk to. Yes, he's kind of cute but really not my type. Anyway, earlier that day I'd gotten a call from a guy that I'd graduated high school with. He just moved back here and is going through a custody battle and wanted to sit down with me and talk to me about it. He and I had never been close so the call was a bit odd but then again every now and then I do get a random call regarding custody and visitation since mine is such a bitch. I went through the ringer on that one but that's a whole other post. So I told him that I was getting ready to go to the party and finishing up some packing but that I'd be willing to talk to him another time about it. He knows the groom too and said that he might see me out later. Well, he did. He showed up at the bar and later in the night during my drunkenness he came up to talk to me and again told me that he'd really like to talk to me about what I went through and again for the 20th time I agreed to talk to him about it but that night was just not the time nor the place to even start the discussion since it pisses me off so bad. Well then he starts talking about how we have the same bday and how in school he always thought it'd be so funny if we dated because he'd never do the typical man thing and forget my bday. I'm thinking-- Uh oh, here we go! I could tell immediately where this conversation was going and I desperately tried getting out of it but it wasn't going to happen. He had me cornered. Then he brought up my Match.com episode. Yes, I listed myself on Match looking for someone that has 3/4 of a brain because the men around here just don't. There is no one here that even piques my interest. Ok, maybe one or two but that's just not going to happen because of different circumstances which I dont' want to discuss. He said that if I really meant what I said on my profile he'd like to talk to me more about it and get to know me some more.. AUGH! First of all, he was a geek in high school. He's not so bad now, granted that was 10 years ago and he's grown up, he does have a nice smile, eyes and through his clothes seems to have a nice body on him. Not necissarily the type I'd go after looks wise tho. Yes that sounds shallow. I'm sorry. Shoot me. You have to admit that you ahve to have the physical attraction to someone and I just really don't think it's there with him. Anyway, not only that, he's JUST (literally) getting out of a relationship and trying to sort his life out. Do I want to deal with that mess right now!? HELL NO! I have made enough of a mess all on my own this past week (that I haven't even posted about) and I really don't need to add to it. Not only that but I'm friends with his ex-girlfriend. Not really good friends but nonetheless, friends. She's actually more of my sister friend but anyway....
Why is it that I can't just meet a nice, normal man? JC, last week when I was in MQT I had some icky guy following me around the bar all night telling me that I reminded him of a young Catherine Zeta-Jones, then I apparently gave some old guy, probably around 90, a kiss on the lips, no clue why I did that, but he told me to meet him back there in 2 weeks which would be this weekend. Uh, I don't think so. I still haven't a clue as to why I did that. Oh well, I bet I made his night. Hopefully when I'm 90 some little hottie does that to me because I'm guessing when I'm his age, anyone my age is going to look better than the gravity challenged women I'll be competing against. Then some chick brings me over to some other guy, no clue who he was.. well I do now because HE CALLED ME! Ya, I wrote my number on his hand. Not sure if I was trying to get away from him or what. All I remember is him telling me about the house he was building and how he will now have room for kids. AUGH! WHY can I just not meet someone nice that isn't hell bent on finding a wife or having babies?! Seriously!? Anyone care to enlighten me on this?
Ok, so I guess I lied. I did have something for you. I have the gift of gab and very rarely ever have a loss for words...
Oh, almost forgot. I got an email from hot UPS guy yesterday. He's in CA and will be shipping out early March for the desert. I still love him even though I know it'll never happen. I guess I have to settle for friendship with that one. THEN I get another email shortly after that from this salesmen that had stopped in last year for a meeting. I saw him and I was speechless. Yes, I know it's hard to believe but I was. I was so speechless in fact that I NEVER have the balls to approach anyone but I was so in awe of him that I grabbed his business card from one of the guys that met with him and emailed him to see how his trip back was. Yes, corny I know but it was my way "in". Anyway, he emailed me back and forth for a while and then it just puttered out. I heard from him again at the end of July when one of my co-workers was killed in a plane crash in TX. He emailed his condolences. Anyway, I got an email from him last night saying that he was coming up to my town on Wed for a meeting so I emailed him back to see if he was coming to my company or what. Well he is. He has a meeting with the guys tomorrow at 11a. Needless to say, I'll wear my good butt jeans and some sexy low cut, cleavage bearing top. Oh ya, mama's gonna play this game tomorrow!!! Purely because I can!
Why is it that I've chatted about 3-4 people this evening, 2 that I want nothing to do with and 2 that I'd love to do thing with but can't, and 1 that I can't even begin to go into detail about. Something's a little screwed up here. Why is it that the ones I'm attracted to are never attracted back? Fuckers!
Ok I'm really done this time. :) Nite.
